To Be Myself
by boschette
Summary: Another of my Amy-Jack-Doug fics; this time Amy's making some of the same mistakes her mother made and struggling with decisions and consequences. COMPLETED!
1. Default Chapter

A/N: I wasn't even going to post this story, but it just came to me and I kept writing and writing until suddenly I had a pretty long chapter on my hands, so I thought, why not? This goes along with my other story, "Life After," and my work in progress, "On a Perfect Day." The stories aren't exactly connected, but they concern the same group of people, including my version of Amy Lindley, Jack, Doug, Amy's boyfriend Andy, and her friend Ben. For the background story, please read "Life After." More to come on "Perfect Day." Thanks in advance for reading and reviewing! I love feedback! =)  
  
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She could hear them talking downstairs, and had a sudden, intense urge to climb out her second-story window and escape to the safety of Andrew's house. But she knew better. She'd have to come back eventually, and it was best to face the music now than get them even more worked up by making them worry. She sighed heavily and lay facedown on her bed. Oh, this sucked. It was bad enough that her dad had found the ecstasy in her backpack. It was worse that she'd had to lie and tell him she hadn't tried it, and it was just about unbearable that he'd shared the news with Doug, who was apt to explode from anger. She could remember the lectures from way back when she was a little kid, hearing about some "punk" he'd taken to jail for drug possession, the party he'd busted for marijuana...("Amy, I'd better not ever hear about you or your friends trying any of this stuff, you understand?") She could only imagine how he'd take this news.  
  
Heavy footsteps on the stairs. Her stomach clenched. Ridiculous, she told herself, what can he do to me? He's not going to throw me in jail. Still, she jumped when her door swung open a moment later. Dougie's eyes were icy blue and angry.  
  
"I guess Daddy told you," she said, trying to keep her voice light and casual, as if she wasn't concerned with his wrath.  
  
He strode over to her bed, pulled her up by the elbow, and shook her slightly. "What the hell is the matter with you?" he demanded. "I knew you were testing the waters lately, Amy, but I didn't think you were stupid. Where did you get this?" He held up the infamous plastic zipper bag that contained three pink pills. She stared at him defiantly and refused to answer. He tightened his grip on her arm. "Tell me who you got it from."  
  
Jack appeared in the doorway, watching them with a slightly worried look on his face, and Amy glanced from Doug to him, feeling betrayed. "Why did you have to tell him?" she demanded angrily. "Couldn't you handle this one solo?"  
  
Doug shook her again, not hard, but enough to refocus her attention on him. "You've got five seconds to tell me who you got this from, or I start making phone calls. Official ones," he added threateningly.  
  
"I don't know, okay? Just some guy at school!"  
  
"Amy..."  
  
"Honestly!"  
  
"Is it that Chambers kid? It is, isn't it?"  
  
"No! Of course not!" She knew immediately that she had answered too quickly, her eyes had registered a second of panic and she had given herself away. The last thing Ben needed was more trouble from her dad. He had given her the pills, but not willingly. She thought sickly of the protest he'd put up when she'd asked for them. It wasn't his fault.  
  
Doug held her gaze for a few long moments, then released her arm. "That's what I thought," he said. He looked at Jack. "Didn't I tell you that kid was bad news?"  
  
Jack sighed and looked at Amy, who refused to meet his eyes. She had begun to cry. "He didn't force it on her, though," he said unhelpfully. "Amy makes her own decisions."  
  
Sticking to her earlier lie, Amy spoke up, "I didn't! I didn't take them, I just held on to them."  
  
"Get dressed, then," Doug said suddenly, clapping his hands together. "Come on down to the station, and we'll do a drug test and make sure you're remembering correctly. Come on, let's go."  
  
"No." Amy was irritated to hear that a slight whine had crept into her tone.  
  
"No? Why not? If you're telling the truth, what've you got to worry about?"  
  
"Daddy!" Amy cried, looking to Jack for support. His stare was unwavering, cold. It scared her to see him looking at her like that. "For God's sake, it's just a little X! My mom did it, didn't she?" she blurted out.  
  
Jack's mouth fell open. "Who the hell told you that?"  
  
"Come on, Dad, I've heard about the rave you guys went to, when Aunt Andie got hold of a pill that belonged to my mom and took it. You didn't talk to Mom for days because of it. But that almost killed Andie because of the reaction with her prescription drugs. There's nothing wrong with trying something like this just one time. It's usually harmless."  
  
Doug and Jack gaped at her. "So did you try it or not?" Jack asked.  
  
"Yes, okay?! I did. I tried it one time. Kill me."  
  
Doug closed his eyes briefly. "Don't tempt me."  
  
"You lied to me?" Jack said in a sharp voice that was a strange contrast to the usual calm, light tone he used when addressing his daughter.  
  
Amy locked eyes with her dad. "You forced me to. How was I supposed to win in a situation like that?"  
  
He rolled his eyes. "This is not about winning, and you know it."  
  
"Well then it's not about lying either, is it?" she countered.  
  
"Stop being such a smart ass! You're not in any position to start digging yourself in deeper."  
  
But Amy, queen of quick temper, found that she couldn't stop. She was insulted and worried and hurt by their anger and coldness, especially Jack, who had always been the pushover, the one who could be counted on to forgive and forget and understand whenever she did something wrong. It wasn't as if she had murdered someone, so why was he, her daddy, looking at her like this, like she was a stranger?  
  
"Can we get on with it?" she asked, knowing that she was pushing her luck but not caring. "What's my sentence? Am I grounded or under arrest or disowned or what? Should I pack my bags? Head to the orphanage?"  
  
"I'm warning you, Amy. Don't push me right now." Jack's voice was weary, and he ran a distracted hand through his dark hair.  
  
"Just tell me how long I'm grounded for."  
  
"Right now? Till your eighteenth birthday."  
  
"Dad, this isn't funny."  
  
"Do you see me laughing at ALL?"  
  
Doug chimed in. "You're lucky I'm not handling this the way I handle any other kid I find with drugs on them, and haul your butt down to lockup. You should be thanking Jack for talking me out of that."  
  
"I told you he wanted to arrest me!" Amy said hotly. "I bet you're sorry I'm only fifteen, aren't you, Dougie? If I was eighteen you could put me in jail and forget about me." She hated the whiny tone that kept coming out of her mouth but seemed powerless to stop it.  
  
"I think we're both sorry you're fifteen. You weren't such a brat before you were," Doug snapped.  
  
Jack took a deep breath. "Listen, Amy. I think we should put this on hold for now, before anyone goes too far. So you just hang out up here until we come back."  
  
"You're making me stay in my room? How old am I, five?"  
  
"You sure are acting like it."  
  
"People tend to act with the level of maturity with which they're treated," she said infuriatingly.  
  
"Have we considered boot camp?" Doug asked Jack, presumably kidding but without a trace of amusement in his voice.  
  
"Stay here," Jack said, pointing a finger at her as they left the room.  
  
Amy groaned with frustration and flopped back on her bed, seething. On impulse, she picked up the phone and dialed Ben's number. He answered on the second ring.  
  
"It's me," she said. "We've got a problem."  
  
"Lindley. What's wrong? Are you okay?"  
  
"Not really. My dads found the pills in my bag."  
  
Silence on the other end. Then, "Damn. How bad is it?"  
  
"It's not good. Doug guessed it was you who gave them to me. I tried to tell him it wasn't, but I don't think he believed me. He's probably going to try to make trouble for you. I'm so sorry, Ben!"  
  
"Yeah, well, I can handle him. You just worry about yourself. But I've got to say, Amy, I wish you'd listened to me in the first place. I told you it was stupid to try that crap. I wish I hadn't given them to you. Andy still doesn't know, does he?"  
  
"If Andy knew, you'd know about it. He'd be at your door in five minutes flat waiting to punch your face in." Amy sighed heavily. "I think I'm the only kid in the world who never gets away with anything. You'd think the odds would be in my favor just once. Is that too much to ask?"  
  
"Listen, you just hang in there. Agree with whatever they say; that's the safest path. Don't go shooting your mouth off like you usually do."  
  
Amy smiled bitterly. "That's easier said than done."  
  
They hung up and Amy lay on her bed for what seemed like hours, staring at the gradually darkening ceiling but unable to doze off. At last, there was a short rap on her door, and Jack came in again. He looked so tired, for a moment she felt sorry for him, sorry that she had hurt him like this. He pulled the chair out from her desk and sat down facing her. She stared at him impassively.  
  
"Where's your sidekick?" she asked.  
  
"I thought this might go more smoothly without him. I'm not in the mood to listen to you two sparring." He took a deep breath before continuing. "Listen, Amy, we're worried about you. Lately, you just haven't seemed like yourself. You seem so angry and sad, even when Andy's around. I want to know what the problem is. You used to talk to me; now you're so closed off, I don't know what's going on in your life. And now this." He gestured vaguely to indicate the whole situation. "I don't know what to do with you anymore."  
  
"So I'm changing. Is that a crime?"  
  
His eyes flashed at her. "No, young lady, but those pills in your backpack are. And I'll be damned if I'm just going to sit back and watch you try to self-destruct because you're going through some period of teenage rebellion."  
  
"You don't know anything about my life."  
  
"That's my point, Amy. I want to."  
  
"No you don't, Dad. You want to control it, not be a part of it. That's not the same thing. I want to be a normal teenager, not the kid with two dads, not the sheriff's kid or the teacher's kid, or the kid whose mom died when she was a baby. I need to be myself without you and Dougie and Joey and Pacey constantly looking over my shoulder. You've sheltered me all my life. I'm trying to find out what the world is really about before it's too late."  
  
"That's a lovely speech, Amy, but I'm not buying it. You can't talk your way out of this. You're fifteen years old; the world for you should be sheltered. And as long as you're living here, that's the way it's going to be."  
  
"Maybe I shouldn't live here then."  
  
"Too bad, that's not your choice."  
  
They stared at each other across the room. Amy looked away first.  
  
"What's the matter with you, Aim?" he asked her, his voice softening a bit. "What's going on in your head? What would make you do something so stupid as taking drugs?"  
  
"I'm my mother's daughter," she said quietly. She jumped a little when Jack slapped his hand down on her desk.  
  
"Stop it. This has nothing to do with her. Do you think she would condone your making the same mistakes she did?"  
  
"I don't know. I didn't know her."  
  
"Well I did. And let me tell you, she wouldn't have." He came over to the bed and sat down on the foot of it, facing her. "Please talk to me, baby. Tell me what's going on with you."  
  
Amy shook her head. "Nothing."  
  
"Well then, I guess I should just assume that this is all your friend Ben's fault. That's what Doug thinks. Is that it?"  
  
"No," she said firmly. "It was all me."  
  
"Would you talk to Joey? Could she help you?"  
  
"No."  
  
He sighed. "All right, I'll stop pushing you. But if you want to talk, you know I'm here, right? And so are Joey, Pacey, and, even though you don't believe this, Dougie. He loves you so much, babe. And he's just as worried about you as I am."  
  
She turned her head so he wouldn't see the tears glistening in her eyes.  
  
He cleared his throat and got back to business, realizing that he wouldn't get through to her now, in this mood. "As for the drug thing..."  
  
"I won't do it again," she said.  
  
"I want you to promise me that, Amy. Promise me this is the one and only time. Look at me." He put a finger under her chin and tilted her face up so that she had to meet his eyes.  
  
"I promise, all right? Are we done here?"  
  
"In a minute. You're grounded until further notice. That means no hanging out with Andy or Jessie. School and home, and work at the Icehouse when Pace needs you, that's your life for the next few weeks. And I'm warning you now that Ben had better not show his face around here for quite a while, not with Doug on the warpath."  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Amy, you know I love you, right?"  
  
She nodded, and he stood there for a few moments watching her. When she didn't say anything else, he left the room. Amy rolled over on her stomach and began to cry. 


	2. Chapter 2

Amy spent the next two weeks avoiding everyone. At home, she holed up in her room and brooded, refusing to sit down to meals with her dads whenever they didn't insist on it (and, knowing full well that having Amy around in her current temperament would lead to more trouble than it was worth, they rarely did). At school, she sometimes went drastically out of her way just so she wouldn't cross paths with Jessie or Andy or Ben in the halls. In Jack's English class, which was the only one she shared with Andy, Amy made a point of coming in right before the bell each day and pretending to be in a hurry at the end of class so that she wouldn't have to talk to him any more than necessary. During their lunch period, she found excuse after excuse to spend the hour in the library doing last-minute research or homework she'd neglected the night before.  
  
Amy's inexplicable personality change puzzled and disturbed Andrew, who had known her forever and had never seen her go through a funk that lasted quite this long and was of this caliber. She seemed to be trying to cut him out of her life, and, worse, she refused to offer any suitable explanation for her strange behavior.  
  
One Saturday morning, he cornered her on the pier behind her house as she sat at the end of it, dangling her feet into the cool creek water. She didn't even turn around when he cleared his throat to get her attention.  
  
"Hey, stranger," he said after a moment.  
  
"What are you doing here?" she asked.  
  
"Nice to see you, too, Aim."  
  
"Sorry. What's up?"  
  
He sat down next to her and tried to make eye contact, but she avoided his gaze and continued to stare out over the sun-dazzled water. "I was hoping you would answer that for me," he said.  
  
"Mmm."  
  
"Amy, what's going on with you?" he asked, his neutral tone evaporating as his frustration broke the surface. "If I've done something to piss you off, I think you at least owe me an explanation."  
  
"I'm fine, Andy. I'm not mad at you."  
  
"Then why have you been treating me like some mildly annoying acquaintance for the past two weeks? Why won't you even look at me?" He put a hand on her shoulder and tried to turn her to face him, but she resisted.  
  
"I told you, I've been grounded. Sorry I haven't been able to spend every waking moment with you, but I'm sure you understand my predicament."  
  
"Damn it, Amy, that's not the problem, and you know it. I know you better than that, or have you forgotten?"  
  
She was silent for so long he began to think she wasn't going to answer at all. Then she heaved a great sigh and turned to look at him, her clear blue eyes sharp and direct, the stare hitting him like a ray of sunlight.  
  
"You're right," she said. "I haven't been myself lately. In fact, I haven't been everyone's sweet little innocent girl-next-door Amy Lindley for quite some time, and no one seems to be able to come to terms with that. But you'd better start accepting it, Andrew, if you're interested in continuing with this relationship. Because I'm really not sure the Amy you know and love is ever coming back." With that, Amy stood up and started back down the pier toward the house, leaving Andy sitting there, stung by her words and more bewildered than ever.  
  
The truth was, Amy herself wasn't even sure what was wrong, or when things had gone so terribly off track. All she knew was that her simple, low-key Capeside existence didn't seem to fit her anymore. She was tired of her friends, she was tired of Andrew and all the baggage that came with their relationship, she was tired of her well-meaning but overly involved patchwork family. Most of all, she was tired of herself and of the pressure to live up to the reputation she had set for herself long ago: the good student, the loyal friend, the dutiful daughter...And as she distanced herself from her friends and family and everything she had known since birth, the hole in her heart seemed to grow bigger and deeper and darker by the day.  
  
The ecstasy had been a mistake, she knew, and not just because she had gotten caught. Her memories of that night were hazy: Ben holding her hand in a death grip as she drifted along behind him in her fog of barely repressed excitement all evening (he had refused to let her leave his side at the party), caught up in a friendly, uninhibited, ethereal haze of smiling strangers and loud, lovely, captivating music; everything had a texture and a scent and an aura that she had never noticed before... She remembered thinking how wonderful it was, how beautiful. It seemed a shame she had never let herself go like this, never experienced this strange overwhelming world of pleasure and happiness and light, harmless enjoyment.  
  
But then it was over, and it was like waking to a bad dream; as the rosy glow wore off her surroundings, she found herself lost in uncertainty, fear, loneliness... When Ben dropped her off at her house and left her there to sleep it off, she lay awake on top of her covers for hours with a lingering hollow of sadness deep in her chest that she had yet to shake, even now, weeks later.  
  
How could she expect anyone to understand how she felt when she herself didn't? It was a thought that ate at her, and she longed for someone that she could share her feelings with. Her mom would have understood; somehow she knew that. Sometimes late at night she took out the framed photograph of Jen that she kept in the bottom drawer of her nightstand and spilled everything she was feeling, sometimes surprising herself with some tidbit of emotion she hadn't even realized was there.  
  
Once her dad had walked in while she was holding the picture. She jumped in alarm and guiltily moved to shove it under her pillow.  
  
"I'm sorry, hon, I didn't mean to scare you," he said. "I should have knocked." He nodded toward her hand, indicating the photo. "May I see?" He gently took it from her as he sat down on the foot of her bed. "Wow, she was beautiful, huh? She was about your age then; can you believe the resemblance?"  
  
"I don't see it," Amy muttered. "She was a lot prettier than I am."  
  
Jack frowned thoughtfully down at the image of his best friend's face, frozen in time at sixteen years old, looking back at him with that contagious smile that he remembered so well. Then he looked back at Amy. "Not true, and you know it. You're both gorgeous," he said, handing the picture back to her.  
  
She took it and leaned across the bed to shove it back into its drawer. When she sat up again, Jack was still watching her face closely, so she looked down at her fingernails.  
  
"I have some good news for you," he said. "Doug and I have decided to let you off early for good behavior. You're officially ungrounded."  
  
"Okay, thanks."  
  
"That's it?" he said. "You're not just busting at the seams to get out of this prison?"  
  
"Not really," she said. "Nothing to do."  
  
"Why don't you call Jessie or Andy and see what they're up to? I'm sure they miss you."  
  
"Yeah, maybe I will," she said.  
  
"Aim?"  
  
She looked at him questioningly.  
  
"Please tell me what I can do to help you. I feel like you've been trying to tell me something and I'm just missing it. I'm sorry I'm not a mind reader, but I really do need a little help. Just give me a clue, and I'll puzzle out the big picture on my own. Can you do that?"  
  
"I'm all right, Daddy," she said after a pause. Then, slightly more truthfully, "I'd tell you if I could."  
  
She felt a stab of guilt at the hurt look in his eyes and wished she could pretend that all was well and good again. Just to make him feel better, she forced a smile. "I'll call Jess and see what's going on. I think she mentioned some party she wanted me to go to with her."  
  
"But you'll remember what got you into trouble in the first place, won't you?" Jack said, immediately concerned by the word "party."  
  
"Of course I will. You have nothing to worry about."  
  
He left, and she picked up the phone and dialed Jessie's number, feeling that maybe a party was just what she needed to start feeling like herself again. 


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Hello there. I've been away for a while, and this story has been left hanging. Here's another chapter. It's becoming more and more like a sequel to "Life After," which I didn't really mean for it to be, but oh well. I hope you like it. If you want more of the Amy/Andy/Ben backstory, it's all in the 21 chapters of "Life After." Please read and review, and I'll try to update more often. Thanks!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Jack watched from the window as Amy climbed into the front seat of Andrew's car and they pulled out of the driveway. He sighed heavily. He was worried about her. Something had changed in her recently, something fundamental, and he felt that they had come to a crossroads. His daughter's future might hinge on his doing the right thing for her, and that scared the hell out of him. How was he supposed to know how to parent a teenage girl? Sure, she had been a teenager for two years already, but there was a world of difference between the innocent and relatively simple problems of thirteen and the ominous depths and potential catastrophes of fifteen.  
  
He felt Doug's hands on his shoulders and leaned back into him. "What are we going to do with her?" he asked, not really expecting an answer.  
  
Doug kissed the back of his head. "She's growing up, Jack. All we can do is give her a little slack and hope that we've instilled enough wisdom for her to make the right choices."  
  
"Slack, huh? Last time we gave her slack she hung herself with it."  
  
"Jack, stop. She'll be fine. Every kid goes through something like this."  
  
"But I don't even know what 'this' is! She won't talk to me about anything, and so I automatically assume the worst. She needs us, Doug, and I just don't know how to..."  
  
"Stop." Doug turned Jack around to face him and silenced him with a firm kiss. "You've done enough worrying for one day. Let the girl go, let her have fun. We've raised a smart kid, Jack, some of her recent choices notwithstanding. Now stop obsessing." He smiled teasingly. "I know what will get your mind on other things."  
  
Looking into Doug's sparkling blue eyes, Jack felt the worry loosen its grip on him. A smile played at the corners of his mouth. "Oh yeah? What's that?" he asked.  
  
"Come upstairs, and I'll show you."  
  
Jack let the smile break through, and he followed Doug up the stairs to their bedroom.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Don't you think you ought to go easy on that stuff?" Andrew asked Amy as she drained off her third cup of hunch punch. "It's still early, you know, and you're not exactly..."  
  
She silenced him with a sharp look. "You wanted me to come to this godforsaken party, didn't you?" she asked, glancing from him to Jessie and back. "If you want me to have a good time, you need to back off and let me do that my own way."  
  
Andrew rolled his eyes and looked helplessly at Jessie, who frowned at her best friend. "Look, Aim, don't take this wrong, but you are the worst when it comes to holding your liquor. And I'm sorry, sweetie, but nobody is really itching to end the night by pulling you out of a puddle of your own puke to drag your sorry butt home. Or to get in the middle of the huge dramatic scene that's bound to unfold when we drop you off wasted on your front doorstep. So for our sakes, will you please lay off the punch?"  
  
Amy sighed. "You guys worry way too much. I'm going to go get some fresh air."  
  
They watched her make her way through the crowded living room toward the sliding glass door that led out to the pool. Andrew ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "Now I need a drink," he said.  
  
"Maybe she's a pod person," Jessie suggested helpfully.  
  
"That would explain some things."  
  
"You gonna go after her?"  
  
"I don't think she wants me to." Andrew pushed his way into the kitchen and grabbed a beer. "Look, maybe this wasn't such a great idea," he said, turning back to Jessie and taking a long gulp. "She doesn't want to be here, I'm not exactly having the time of my life with her acting this way ... maybe we should just go."  
  
"Your call. I think I'll stick around for a while, but you guys go on. I'll catch a ride home."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Absolutely. I'm not going to let our beloved drama queen ruin my evening." Jessie stood on tiptoe and planted a kiss on Andy's cheek. "It'll be fine," she said. "You're too cute to look so depressed. Now go get that girlfriend of yours and get her the hell out of here before she brings everyone down."  
  
Andy smiled as Jess stepped back into the crowd and sauntered over to a group of her worshipful male friends. He wasn't quite ready to go after Amy. He could read her like a book, and if he went out there right now they were bound to get in an argument. That's just about all they had been doing lately, after all. He couldn't think of a time when they had fought so much, when they had felt so distant.  
  
Well, that wasn't exactly true. There was the whole Ben thing. That had driven quite a wedge between them; it had almost torn them apart for good. But now the Ben chapter of their lives was over, and all it had cost him was a friend. She had picked him, Andrew, in the end. He had won. But it was still a little too raw to think about comfortably. He could still too easily picture Amy and Ben sitting on the steps of her porch, kissing in the glow of the moon, his arms around her, her hands in his hair ... And sometimes Andrew wondered if she regretted her decision. She had been so afraid of altering the friendship they'd shared their entire lives, and she'd been right about that, the relationship HAD changed the friendship, of course it had...maybe she was sorry now that she hadn't chosen Ben. Maybe this was her way of telling him that, of pushing Andrew away so that she could turn back time and do things differently.  
  
Or maybe he was just overanalyzing again. He shook his head hard to clear these thoughts away and took another gulp of beer from the sweating bottle in his hand before picking through the crowd of his classmates toward the sliding glass door.  
  
The fresh air felt good. It was dark outside, and Andrew let his eyes adjust before starting down the stairs toward the pool. That's when he spotted Amy, and she wasn't alone. With a nasty jolt of his stomach, he realized that Ben was sitting next to her on a plastic lounge chair, that his arm was around her back, that they were engaged in what appeared to be a pretty deep conversation.  
  
He swallowed the lump that suddenly tried to constrict his throat and started toward them. Ben looked up first and forced a smile, at the same time surreptitiously removing his arm from around Amy.  
  
"Hey, man. Good to see you." Ben stuck out his hand awkwardly, but Andrew didn't shake it. His eyes were fixed on Amy.  
  
"Are you okay?" he asked her, his voice tight and a little cold.  
  
She raised her eyes to his and he saw that she had been crying. She didn't answer.  
  
"She's not feeling all that well," Ben said. "Lindley, I'm going to bring you a glass of water; I'll be right back."  
  
"I can get her water," Andrew said sharply.  
  
Ben met his gaze solidly, as if challenging Andrew to make the accusation they both knew was hovering over them. "It's no problem, Harper. I'm on my way in anyway." Without waiting for an answer, he went up the stairs and back into the house.  
  
"What the hell was that about?" Andrew said, and even as the words came out he regretted them, hating the jealousy he couldn't shake, hating that he couldn't make himself trust her.  
  
"Oh for God's sake, Andy," she snapped, her words a little slurred. "Will you for once just not jump to conclusions?"  
  
"Well, I come out here and see you crying in another guy's arms, and yeah, it makes me a little insecure. I don't think that's jumping to conclusions. What's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Nothing. That's your standard answer, isn't it? Could you try telling me the truth? Or do you only do that for Benny boy?"  
  
Her eyes flashed at him and he resisted an urge to apologize for that. She didn't answer, so he finally said into the silence, "I thought we could leave, if you want. We can go walk on the beach, or something. Sober you up before I take you home."  
  
"No, Andy. You go. I want to stay here."  
  
"With Ben?"  
  
She stood up, facing him with fire in her eyes. "With my friend Ben, yes! Do you have a problem with that? I want to stay here with my friend Ben, who doesn't always jump down my throat for every little thing that he deems out of character for little Amy Lindley! He listens to me without judging, Andy, it's a great skill. You might want to try it sometime."  
  
"Are you actually going to stand here and tell me that you'd rather stay here with him than come with me, your boyfriend?" A lead weight dropped into Andy's stomach as he spoke those words, knowing that her answer might well kill him.  
  
"That's not what I mean. I mean, I'm staying. You're free to stay too, if you want, but if you do, you've got to get off my back. I have two dads already, Andy, I don't need you to act like another one."  
  
He stood there staring at her, but she was looking at her feet. The silence between them was hot, loaded. Feeling like his world was falling in on itself, Andrew threw his beer bottle at the ground a few yards away, turned and went back inside without looking back. 


	4. Chapter 4

Ben was on his way back outside with a plastic cup full of ice water to take to Amy when Andrew pushed past him, bumping him roughly with his shoulder as he went. Some of the water sloshed out of the cup and onto the floor. Startled, Ben turned to watch as Andrew stormed out the front door, slamming it behind him.  
  
"What happened?" Jessie asked, suddenly appearing next to Ben and staring after Andrew.  
  
"Hell if I know," Ben said. "Amy's outside; I need to go check on her."  
  
Jessie raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh yeah?"  
  
He rolled his eyes. "It's not what you think," he assured her, repressing a glimmer of hope that her suspicions might be true. "She doesn't feel well."  
  
"All right, well, tell her I'm here if she needs me," Jessie said. "And Ben," she called after him as he started away. "Watch your step. You know how Amy and Andy are, always up and down. This isn't the time to interfere."  
  
"Come on, Jess. Give me a little credit!"  
  
Amy was lying on her back on the lounge chair, staring up at the star- sprinkled sky, when Ben returned with the water.  
  
"How are you feeling?" he asked tentatively, holding the cup out to her.  
  
She didn't take it. "I've been better."  
  
He nodded and waited for her to go on. When she didn't, he said, "Do you want me to take you home?"  
  
"No, that's all right. I'm actually pretty drunk still. The last thing I need is to get in more trouble. And if YOU brought me home..."  
  
"Oh, right. I keep forgetting that Sheriff Doug is out for my blood."  
  
She smiled weakly. "It's not funny. He really is." She sighed. "Andy left, didn't he?"  
  
Ben nodded. "I'm assuming I had more than a little to do with that."  
  
"No, it's not your fault. It's mine. I knew this would happen, Ben. I knew it! Once you cross that line from friendship into more than that, there's no going back. And if it turns bad, that's just something you risk. I risked it, and I shouldn't have. Now I've lost him."  
  
Ben suppressed that glimmer of hope again and tried to resume his role as the supportive friend. That was hard sometimes when he was with her, like now, when the moonlight was glowing silver in her silky hair and on her smooth skin, when her clear blue eyes were fixed on his and he saw the pain in them. More than anything he wanted to fix it, he wanted to hold her and make her let go of the moment, of Andrew. Andrew, who didn't really deserve her, who had never understood or appreciated the treasure he had. Not the way Ben could.  
  
"It can't be that bad, Lindley," he said, forcing his eyes away from her when he realized how tempted he was to lean down and kiss her.  
  
"No? I wish it wasn't. All we do anymore is fight, Ben. I used to be able to tell him everything, and now I find myself keeping things from him just because he feels obligated to know them. It makes me mad, that he feels entitled to my thoughts, to my life. I sometimes resent him for it. What does that say about me?"  
  
"That you're trying to get used to being in your first serious relationship. That your relationship is finding its place in the scope of your friendship. I'm sure it's normal, Lindley."  
  
She laughed humorlessly. "Nothing about Andy and me as a couple is normal, Ben. We've had months to figure out how to do this, and we can't seem to do it right. Maybe I should have taken my cue from Aunt Joey. She and Dawson tried the same thing, more than once, and it never worked out for them. Maybe it's not supposed to work. Maybe friends should stay just friends forever, or you screw up everything. That's why Dad and my mom's friendship was so great. They never tried to be anything more to each other than friends." She sat up in the chair and finally took the cup of water from Ben, draining half of it in several huge gulps. "Thanks," she said, looking up at him with a piercing stare that made his heartbeat speed up. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Ben."  
  
There was suddenly a tension in the air as they looked at each other. Amy stood up and put her arms around him, squeezing him tightly. Ben swallowed hard as he held her, willing his heart to slow down. This was getting dangerous. Her hair smelled so sweet, and his desire to kiss her was much stronger. He knew she would kiss him back, that she wanted him to...  
  
He pulled away gently. "You're drunk, Lindley," he said softly, squeezing her hands. "You're drunk, and I'm not going to take advantage of that. What kind of friend would I be if I did?"  
  
She looked at the ground for several long moments. "I'm so sorry, Ben," she said.  
  
"Why are you apologizing? There's nothing for you to be sorry for."  
  
"Yes, there is. I hurt you before, when I made my choice. And I think that could have been avoided. If I had been just a little stronger, if I had been able to see the big picture, I could have spared you that."  
  
Ben shut his eyes tightly. He knew where she was going with this, but he had to stop her. He didn't want to hear anymore, didn't want to turn back the clock and go through the whole ugly mess again. He'd finally put it behind him, come to terms with losing her and losing Andrew's friendship, and here she was, digging at the place where he'd buried it.  
  
"Stop," he said. "Let's not do this, not when the alcohol is talking for you."  
  
"But Ben, it's true. You know it is, you've known all along."  
  
"Lindley, please..."  
  
"I was so scared of losing him, but it's happening anyway, and now no one is happy. I could have prevented this. He would have gotten over it. I messed everything up by trying to make everything all right."  
  
"Amy, stop it! I don't want to hear this right now, dammit." Ben stepped away from her.  
  
She stopped and stared at him, surprised by the sudden edge in his voice. "So it is too late."  
  
He didn't answer. The sliding glass door opened and a group of laughing, chattering girls emerged from the party inside, breaking the silence between the two standing by the pool.  
  
"I shouldn't have said anything. Forget that I did."  
  
He laughed. "Easier said than done, Lindley." His heart was aching with the need to hear the rest of what she would have said, but he knew this wasn't real, this was just her alcohol-induced confusion over a fight with her boyfriend. He couldn't allow himself to believe her when she was like this, as much as he wanted to.  
  
"Look, uh, I think I've had enough of the party atmosphere. I'm going to go now," Amy said, doing her best to sound casual.  
  
Ben caught her hand impulsively. "Don't do that. Let me drive you."  
  
-------------------------------------  
  
Joey was just dozing off on the couch, her head in Pacey's lap, when the phone rang. He picked it up and frowned at the caller ID window before answering. "Hello? Oh, Aim. What's up, doll?" He listened for a few moments, then said, "Okay, slow down. What happened?"  
  
Joey sat up, yawning and running a hand through her tangled dark hair. She squinted at the clock and saw that it was after one in the morning. The abominable movie Pacey had picked out was still droning on and on, flickering dizzyingly in the darkened living room. No wonder she had fallen asleep. Pacey's taste in movies was criminal. You'd think after all these years, Dawson might have imparted a little of his cinematic taste on his friend, but no. Every single weekend, Pacey subjected his wife to yet another dud in an endless line of...  
  
Wait...it was after one! Amy never called this late. Amy shouldn't even be up this late.  
  
Suddenly alert, Joey mouthed to Pacey, "What's wrong?" He held his hand up to her, still listening.  
  
"But you're both all right? You're sure? Okay, just hang tight. I'll be there in five minutes...what? Amy, they're going to be waiting up for you anyway, you know that. Okay, we won't, but I think it's a lost cause." He sighed heavily as he hung up and tossed the receiver onto the couch. "Well, I'm off to get our darling niece out of jail."  
  
"What?"  
  
"She and Ben Chambers were in a car accident." When Joey gasped, he hurried on. "No, no, they're fine...but if you can believe it, the car they rear- ended was a police cruiser. It was Deputy Johnson. He gave Ben a breathalyzer, and he didn't pass, and she's not exactly sober herself. So now they're in the drunk tank. Amy somehow convinced Johnson to let her call us instead of Jack and Doug. Man, she's lucky Doug's not on duty tonight!"  
  
"Well, shouldn't we call and let them know she's okay?"  
  
"She's given me strict orders not to tell them anything. If they call, tell them she's fine and that I'm bringing her home. Otherwise, I'm going to let her deal with it herself."  
  
Joey nodded. "Poor thing. They're going to kill her."  
  
"Probably." He leaned down to kiss his wife. "But I feel sorrier for Jack. Do you know how glad I am that J.D. was a boy? I don't think I'm equipped to deal with daughter problems."  
  
"That's a sexist statement, Witter. Regardless of gender, I'm sure John Dawson will give us enough to deal with. Teenagers are teenagers, remember? Now hurry up and get that girl out of jail. I'm sure she's scared to death."  
  
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	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, everyone (especially to my faithful reviewers, Sam, Kelcb, Yelak, PhoenixFirefly--you guys are the best, and I really appreciate the feedback)!! Let me know what you think of this next chapter, and I'll update soon. =)   
  
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No sooner had the door closed behind Pacey than the phone rang. Joey squinted at the receiver in the flickering light of the television and saw that it was Jack and Doug's number. Taking a deep breath, she answered.  
  
"Jo, hi. I'm sorry to call so late; I hope I didn't wake you guys up. Have you heard from Amy tonight?"  
  
"Jack. Yes, as a matter of fact, we have," Joey said hesitantly.  
  
"And?" Jack prodded when Joey didn't volunteer anything more.  
  
"And all I'm allowed to tell you is that she's all right, and Pacey is bringing her home."  
  
Jack let out a sigh of relief. "Thank God. Her curfew is eleven; I've been worried sick. She wasn't answering her cell phone, either. So you can't give me details?"  
  
"You'll find out soon enough, I'm afraid."  
  
"No doubt. I can't wait for that," he said under his breath. "Anyway, thanks for being there for her, Jo. You and Pacey are great. I honestly don't know what we'd do without the backup."  
  
Joey smiled. "Are you kidding, we love being someone's cool aunt and uncle. Listen, Jack, don't be too hard on her, okay? She's going through a rough time."  
  
"Tell me about it. But I'm not making any promises. I'm telling you, this girl is going to be the death of us if things keep going the way they have been. Doug's talking about boot camp, and I'm not sure he's kidding." He laughed. "Wouldn't Jen love that? I'll talk to you tomorrow, Jo. Try to get back to sleep."  
  
"Five more minutes of this movie should do the trick."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Never mind. When Amy gets home, just remember that we were stupid kids once too, Jack. 'Night."  
  
Jack hung up, sank down onto a barstool at the kitchen counter, and put his face in his hands, groaning. Doug eyed him steadily. "Should I even ask?" he said dryly over the top of his coffee mug.  
  
His voice muffled by his hands, Jack said, "The prodigal daughter is on her way home with your brother. I don't know anything more than that, but I can guess that it's not good if she called him to come get her instead of us. I'm so not in the mood for this. I'm sick of being Disciplinarian Jack. I hate that guy. He's a jerk."  
  
Doug sighed heavily. "Then go to bed," he said. "Let me handle this one."  
  
Jack looked up. "Are you kidding?"  
  
"No. You're exhausted. And you know I don't mind being the bad guy when I have to, it's an occupational necessity." Doug drained the last of his coffee, put the cup in the sink, then came around the counter and began massaging Jack's shoulders. "Go on up to bed. I'll deal with the kid."  
  
Jack squeezed his eyes shut tightly and rolled his head back, feeling the tension in his shoulders begin to loosen. "As tempting as that sounds, I don't think I could sleep now if my life depended on it. Curiosity has won me over. I want to know what it was Joey couldn't tell me on the phone."  
  
"That does sound ominous. What could it be this time?"  
  
"Maybe Amy killed someone." Jack started to laugh wearily, then stopped abruptly. "Wait. That's not funny."  
  
-----------------------  
  
Pacey ended up picking Ben up too, since his parents were out of town and the poor kid would have been stuck in lockup. His car, dented bumper and all, was staying put for the night, at least.  
  
"Can you drop Ben off first, Pace?" Amy asked, the first words she had spoken since her uncle had appeared to free them. "I don't want them to see him."  
  
Pacey glanced at Ben in the rearview mirror. He wasn't incredibly fond of his backseat passenger. He knew he was the one who had given Amy the drugs, and he had heard about a few other incidents that presented the kid in a less-than-favorable light, like the time he had allegedly shoved Amy down in a drunken argument. Not the best way to score points with the family. But regardless, Pacey himself had been on the wrong end of Dougie's wrath more than once in his day, and he didn't wish it on Ben after the rough night he'd had already.  
  
"I don't blame you for being worried about that. But no dice. They're probably waiting up for you, Aim. You can stay in the car if you want, Chambers. In fact, I'd highly recommend it."  
  
Amy sighed deeply and stared out the window into the darkness. She wondered if Andrew had gone home right away, if he was sitting awake in his bedroom right now entertaining his overactive imagination by pondering all kinds of far-fetched scenarios of her and Ben and what might have happened after he left the party. If she knew him (and she did), that was probably right on target. She felt a small stab of guilt at the way they had left things. Granted, he had some jealousy issues, and granted, they infuriated her, but wasn't she to blame for them? If the whole mess with Ben had never taken place, Andy would have no reason to be jealous. Then again, if Andy hadn't confessed his feelings for her in the first place, things might be just as they were back then, the three of them best friends and living their blessedly uncomplicated, angst-free lives.  
  
"Home sweet home, kiddo. Want me to come in with you, or can you take it from here?" Pacey asked, putting the car in park and looking over at his niece. "If you need moral support, I don't mind. But I should warn you, I have a tendency to exacerbate already-volatile situations. It's really my downfall. In case you've ever wondered, that's why I let the little woman deal with the important stuff."  
  
Amy forced a smile, knowing he was trying to make her feel better. "I'm sure Joey would love to hear you call her the little woman. Nice of you to offer, but I'll handle it," she said wearily. "I'm becoming a pro. But thanks for picking us up, Uncle Pacey. I'll bail you out next time you get arrested."  
  
"Ah, although doomed to an unspeakable fate, she keeps her sense of humor. That's my girl, I like that."  
  
Amy turned in her seat to look at Ben, who had been silent the whole time. "Call me tomorrow, okay?" she said. "Since most of tonight was my fault, I'm going to feel like a complete ass by morning, and I'll need some reassurance."  
  
"Reassurance that you're a complete ass?" Ben smiled a little, and Amy returned it, a little more sincerely this time. Then she got out and started toward the front door. It opened as she was reaching for the knob, and Doug stood there in a T-shirt and shorts, his expression solid and stern and coplike.  
  
"Hi Dougie," she said, deciding to start this out on a pleasant note. "I'm home."  
  
He raised an eyebrow at her and motioned with a nod of his head for her to go into the kitchen. Jack was sitting on one of the barstools at the counter, drinking coffee.  
  
"Well, I'm glad to see that you're in one piece," he said in a falsely casual tone.  
  
She didn't know exactly how to respond to that, so she just stood there, waiting for him to continue.  
  
"Are you really going to wait for us to ask you where you've been?"  
  
"I wasn't going to volunteer the information, if that's what you mean." Amy's attempt at a joke fell flat as Jack held her gaze until she was forced to look away. "Anyway, I thought you might have heard already. Usually when I screw up, it's headline news in a matter of hours."  
  
"Well, Andrew didn't know what happened to you after he left the party."  
  
Amy's mouth fell open. "You didn't call him, did you?" she demanded. "Dad, please tell me you didn't call Andrew and ask him where I was!"  
  
"Don't change the subject, Amy. I want the story, and I want it now."  
  
"Was he upset? Did he sound angry? Or worried? What did he say to you?"  
  
"Hey, I said we're not talking about that right now. You have five seconds to start telling us what happened tonight."  
  
"Fine," Amy said, stung by the thought of Andy's reaction to hearing that she had missed her curfew, and his undoubted assumptions that she was with Ben. She opened her mouth and let the explanation spill out in a rush. "I left the party with Ben, and we went to the beach to talk because I was upset. We lost track of time, and he was rushing to get me home because it was already past curfew, and at a red light we rear-ended Deputy Johnson's car, and he took us to the station, and I knew you guys would be mad that I was with him in the first place, so I called Pacey to avoid a huge scene between you and Ben. And it's my fault we were running late anyway, so you shouldn't be mad at him for that part. That's it. No big deal."  
  
There was a moment of silence. Then Doug stepped forward, towering over Amy, who, with an effort, held her ground, looking up at him calmly. "Wait a minute. Back up. You and Chambers rear-ended my deputy?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Was Chambers driving the car?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Was he drunk?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
"What the hell does that mean? Had he been drinking?"  
  
"Yes, but not that much. He was fine to drive."  
  
Jack and Doug stared at one another in disbelief, then looked back at her. "You got in the car with someone who had been drinking," Jack repeated under his breath, as if he were trying to make sense of what she had just said.  
  
"I'm telling you, he was fine by the time we left the beach!"  
  
"Oh, but he wasn't fine when you left the party?"  
  
"No! I mean yes, he was." Amy took a deep breath, making an effort to lower her voice, which had been steadily rising. "I think you guys are overreacting. Can we discuss this like adults, please?"  
  
Jack threw her a hard look, his eyes bright and his voice tense with barely contained anger. "You see, the problem with that is that you aren't an adult. I don't care how old you think you are, how old you look, how old it makes you feel when you pop pills and guzzle beer and go riding around with drunken lowlifes like your so-called friend Ben Chambers! The bottom line is that you are fifteen years old, Amy, and WE are the adults, not you. And you need to start respecting that fact, do you understand me?"  
  
"I'm almost sixteen," Amy said into the silence that followed his outburst. "Before you know it I'll be eighteen and out of your hands. Do you really want to keep me so sheltered that I'll spin out of control when I finally get my freedom?"  
  
"You keep going like this and you may not make it to eighteen," Doug chimed in. Then he looked at Jack. "Now maybe you'll back me up when I tell her she needs to stop hanging out with that little punk."  
  
"You can't stop me from seeing my friends!" Amy said, forgetting to keep her voice down.  
  
"Like hell we can't. You don't believe me, just let that kid show his face around here one more time," Doug said.  
  
Jack rubbed his eyes wearily before speaking, his tone more controlled now. "Yes, Doug, I'll back you up," he said. "Amy, that kid has done nothing but cause trouble for you. You don't need a friend like that."  
  
Amy gaped at them. "You have no right to tell me who my friends can be!" she said angrily. "And for your information, Ben is more than a friend! Much more. So everyone is just going to have to accept that, because, like it or not, it's my life." Tears surged into her eyes, and she turned and ran upstairs to her bedroom, slamming the door so hard that a framed photograph of her dad and mom and all their friends fell off the wall.  
  
In the kitchen, Jack's face was in his hands again. "That was even more fun than I expected," he said sarcastically. "How does one go about retiring from fatherhood?"  
  
Doug sank down next to Jack on another stool. "That girl knows how to push all our buttons. I think she enjoys it."  
  
"Damned if she isn't just as pig-headed as you. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she's got your blood in her veins," Jack said, then looked sideways at Doug. "Is there anything you and Jen neglected to tell me?"  
  
Doug rolled his eyes at him. "Are we going to have round two tonight, or start fresh in the morning?"  
  
"I'm sure as hell not up for it tonight," Jack said firmly. "Let's go get some sleep."  
  
Doug smiled weakly. "You want to go to sleep? Or just to bed?"  
  
Jack gave him a raised-eyebrow look. "Oh, believe me, I mean sleep." He leaned over and kissed Doug on the lips, smirking. "You're beautiful, Dougie, but not THAT beautiful."  
  
"That hurts, Jack. That really hurts." 


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Hey, I'm on a roll with updates! Evan, to answer your question about the Jack/Doug action...don't feel sorry for them. In my effort to keep this story PG-13, I'm forced to leave most of the details up to the imagination, but they're definitely having their fun, LOL! (And between you and me, in my experience, my attempts at writing sex scenes usually end up being laughable.) Kel, your review made me smile. And you read my mind about having some Pacey/Ben interaction. Thanks for the enthusiasm! Yelak, sweetie, you're always a bright spot. I'm so glad you're liking it! OK, onward and (hopefully) upward...  
  
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"So you must be pretty brave. Brave or stupid, which is it?" Pacey adjusted the rearview mirror so he could see the kid, who was staring out the window at the darkened streets of Capeside as they drove through town toward his house.  
  
Ben briefly met Pacey's eyes in the mirror, then looked away, keeping his expression carefully neutral. "What do you mean?"  
  
"I think you know what I mean. I mean my brother's not someone you want as an enemy, and you seem to be doing everything you can to stay on his bad list. Not to mention Andy, Jack, and me, for that matter. So what is it, do you just enjoy the challenge?"  
  
"What challenge is that?" Ben asked, a defensive edge creeping into his voice.  
  
"Of winning your best friend's girl."  
  
"With all due respect, Mr. Witter, you don't know what you're talking about."  
  
"One might assume as much, but if you want to know the truth I probably understand more than anyone else you know. Anyway, I have a question for you. If Amy means so much to you, why do you keep dragging her into your messes?"  
  
"That's not what I'm trying to do. I'm...I care about her."  
  
"So much so that you give her ecstasy to lift her spirits when she's in a bad mood? That you drink and get behind the wheel with her in the car? So much that you drive a wedge between her and everyone who loves her?"  
  
"I love her."  
  
Pacey glanced at Ben in the mirror again. For a brief, powerful moment, he saw himself at sixteen, his worldly and wise bravado belying the fact that he'd spent his entire short life in this sheltered little seaside town, his intentions good and noble but constantly failing, a human train wreck...knowing the pain of first love and what it could do to a person who fell into it without warning...the bittersweet pill that you swallow for better or worse when you lose a friend and gain in return something so uncertain, so unknown, so exhilarating...  
  
The feeling vanished as quickly as it had washed over him, but Pacey was jolted by it, by a sudden intense clarity about the boy in his backseat, an empathy that hadn't existed even just moments before. They rode the rest of the way in silence.  
  
When Pacey pulled into the Chambers' driveway, Ben cleared his throat almost nervously and said in a tone that was somehow admirably strong and vulnerable at the same time, "I know you're going to believe what you want, but please know that I'm not trying to hurt Amy. I'd never do anything to hurt her on purpose. I just...I just want to make her happy." He trailed off, cleared his throat again, and muttered, "Thanks for the ride."  
  
"Hey, kid," Pacey said suddenly. Ben paused with his hand on the door handle and looked at him expectantly. "You think you know everything there is to know, don't you? But let me tell you, you've got a lot to learn. It doesn't matter how many times you screw up or how many people are expecting you to screw up. What matters is that you don't get so beaten down by the screw-ups that you forget there's time to do things right. It just takes some people longer than others."  
  
Ben hesitated, as if waiting for more. "Thanks," he said after a moment, and then got out of the car and shut the door. He stood there and watched with an expression that was close to awe as Pacey backed out of the driveway and headed down the street.  
  
-----------------------------  
  
Andrew still wouldn't answer the phone. Maybe he was asleep. Amy rolled over on her stomach and looked at the big red numbers of the clock radio. 2:39. It would make sense that he would be asleep, but somehow she didn't think so. Somehow she was sure he was lying awake in his room, just four houses away, listening to the repetitive buzz of his cell phone and too angry and resentful to pick it up and see what she wanted. And hurt. More than anything he was probably hurt.  
  
And he had every right to be. Especially since his fears and insecurities had all played out in full glory tonight as she and Ben sat under the star- dazzled sky at the beach. She couldn't remember who had leaned in for the first kiss, but she could remember being overcome by the moment, the soft, strong, familiar lips against hers, enjoying the sweet taste of him as equally oppressive clouds of guilt, desire, sadness, and excitement fought for control of her heart.  
  
For now, the guilt was winning by a landslide. "Oh Andy, I don't want you to hate me. I don't want to do this to you." She spoke the words aloud to the ceiling, feeling more tears stinging behind her closed eyelids. "But what else can I do? I made the wrong choice."  
  
It had seemed right at first. She had convinced herself beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was right. Andy was her best friend, after all, and she did love him, and he loved her. It was safe and comfortable and, in the beginning, even exciting to explore a new room in the well-worn household of their lifelong friendship. But when it started to unravel, when they began having to scramble to keep up some semblance of the closeness that made them who they were, she couldn't hide from it anymore. It was Ben she wanted, Ben she had always wanted. And though she wouldn't admit it even to herself, there was a small of her that resented Andrew for causing her to give up what she might have had with Ben.  
  
She dialed his number one more time, not really expecting him to answer but feeling a sudden, overwhelming need to hear his voice. Hearing his voice might help untangle the confusion in her head, ease the knot of fear in her chest that tightened every time she thought of what had happened on the beach. What had she done? Was there something fundamentally wrong with her, some twisted sort of need to hurt everyone who loved her over and over again? Was she self-destructive enough to ruin every relationship she might ever have by always wishing she had taken the other fork in the road?  
  
She jumped as if an electric current had run through her body when Andrew's voice cut into her jumbled thoughts. But it was just his voice mail message. Sighing, she hung up once again. What had she intended to say to him, anyway? "Sorry about tonight, but I just wanted put the icing on the cake by telling you that it's over. I'd still like to be your friend, but I'm going to see how things work with Ben now." She laughed without a trace of humor. She felt sick to her stomach.  
  
It took a long time for her to fall asleep, and when she did, her dreams broke her heart. 


	7. Chapter 7

Amy woke up late on Saturday morning feeling anything but rested. She pulled on a pair of denim shorts and a wrinkled Capeside High T-shirt and went downstairs to the kitchen. Jack came in as she was pouring herself a cup of coffee.  
  
"You look rough," he said.  
  
"Thanks." She winced as she took her first sip of the bitter liquid. "Doug's coffee is too strong."  
  
"Don't drink it," Jack said agreeably enough. He cleared his throat. "You know, we weren't finished talking last night."  
  
"Dad, please don't. It's too early."  
  
"It's almost noon."  
  
"I just woke up."  
  
"Too bad." He held his arm out, motioning for her to follow him. Sighing, she took her bitter coffee and let him guide her out onto the front porch. The sun was bright and scorching, reminding her of how soon school would be out for the summer. Every summer she could remember was inseparably intertwined with Andy. Every one.  
  
Jack sat down on the porch swing and patted the seat next to him, but she shook her head and flopped down on the top step instead, facing her dad across the length of the porch. The sun-warmed stone burned against her thighs.  
  
"Doug talked to Johnson this morning," Jack began conversationally. "Seems you left out a few details about your little adventure last night."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Like the fact that Ben failed a breathalyzer. As did you. Ring a bell?"  
  
"I told you he'd been drinking. I didn't lie."  
  
"A lie by omission is still a lie."  
  
"Says who?"  
  
"Says me. Want to drop the attitude, please? I'm trying to make this as painless as possible. I don't want to fight with you, Amy. This isn't fun for me, despite what you seem to think."  
  
Amy put down her coffee cup. It was too hot for coffee. She looked at her dad steadily. "What do you want me to do?" she asked, making her tone as neutral as possible. "I'm not being a smartass, I really don't know. Do you want me to apologize? Fine. I'm sorry, Dad. I really am sorry. I wish last night hadn't happened. But I can't undo what's already done."  
  
"You're right. And what if Ben had done more than just rear-end a cop last night? What if he had wrapped his car around a tree and killed both of you, or some innocent bystander? You couldn't undo that. The point is, Amy, that you have to think about the consequences of your actions. BEFORE things like that happen. You're old enough to do that now. You're smart enough. So all we're left to think is that you just don't care. And that's unacceptable to me."  
  
"It's not that easy, Dad! Who thinks about every possible outcome of every situation they encounter every day? That's not logical. You can't expect that of me."  
  
"I can expect you to not get in the car with someone who's obviously drunk. I mean, damn it, Amy, you've got a laundry list of people you can call to come and pick you up in situations like that. There's just no excuse."  
  
"There were more important things on my mind at the time," Amy said quietly. "Things you don't even know about."  
  
"Well, by all means, enlighten me."  
  
She shot him an incredulous look.  
  
Jack leaned forward in the swing with his elbows on his knees, his expression serious. "It's up to you Amy. I can't force you to tell me anything, but when you leave me in the dark like this I can't give you the benefit of the doubt. I have to assume things based on what I do know, and that doesn't cast you or your buddy Ben in the greatest light. And it makes it damn hard for anyone to trust you."  
  
"You used to trust me."  
  
"You used to tell me what was going on in your life. You used to not look me in the face and lie to me on a regular basis."  
  
"You used to understand me."  
  
Jack closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened them again, she was still looking at him, challenging him to respond. He braced himself for the outburst that was sure to come when he said what he had to say next. "Doug and I...we don't want you seeing him anymore."  
  
Amy pierced him with a look that could have drawn blood, but she refrained from answering right away. She was determined not to let the confrontation dissolve into an all-out shouting match. She had lost many a fight that way, by letting her temper get the best of her. And this was too important to mess around with.  
  
Finally, she responded. "That's not your decision to make," she said calmly, forcing herself to look him directly in the eyes. "I'm sorry, but it's just not. Ben is one of my best friends, and...he's actually more than that. I can't cut him out of my life just because you're paranoid."  
  
"Amy, this isn't a request." Jack suddenly sounded very worn out. "You don't have any bargaining power here. If I have to, I'll talk to Ben myself."  
  
She stared at him, wide-eyed, losing the battle to restrain her temper. "You're kidding, right? You must be kidding, because my dad is not this tyrannical. Did Doug finally get to you? Are you going to become the kind of overbearing control freak that he is? Because if that's the case, I'll pack my bags right now. I can't live with two dictators! Daddy, please! This is crazy. You can't weed out my friends."  
  
Jack stood up and started toward the door, rubbing his temple with one hand to soothe the headache that had suddenly sprung up. "The case is closed," he said quietly but firmly.  
  
The screen door banged shut behind him. Amy stayed where she was, stunned, her heart beating very fast. Surely they didn't intend to enforce this. Surely they COULDN'T enforce it. She thought of Ben, of lying in the sand and kissing him under the stars...of his strong embrace and his deep green eyes that seemed to be able to look right into her heart. She had missed her chance to be with him before; she wouldn't let anyone get in the way this time.  
  
"What was that about?"  
  
Startled, Amy looked up to see Andrew standing at the bottom of the porch steps, his hands in his pockets, his blond hair blowing slightly in the breeze. She was so surprised that she forgot her anger for a moment.  
  
"Hi," she said. "I tried to call you fifty times last night."  
  
"Yeah, I turned in early. I was tired."  
  
"You're lying."  
  
He smiled slightly. "Yes."  
  
"You were too mad to talk to me?"  
  
"I wouldn't say that. I was glad to see you'd made it home safe. Your dad called me when you didn't show up by curfew."  
  
"I'm sorry he did that. I didn't want you to worry."  
  
"I knew you were with Ben."  
  
Amy couldn't quite make herself meet his eyes. "Did that make you worry less?"  
  
"More," he admitted. He came up the steps and sat down next to her. "Listen, Aim, I did a lot of thinking last night. I've been a jerk. You've given me no reason not to trust you; I know Ben is just a friend, and I should be more secure in our relationship than I've shown you lately." He reached for her hand and held it as she stared at him helplessly, a growing anxiety in the pit of her stomach. She wanted him to stop, but she was speechless as he continued. "Seeing you with him...it just brings back stuff I'd rather forget, you know? It was so hard for me when I thought I'd lost you for good last year. Unbelievably hard. I guess I'm just having trouble laying it to rest now. But I promise you I'll try. It's my problem, not yours, and I'm not going to let my stupid insecurities get in the way of what we have."  
  
"Andy..." Amy's voice broke.  
  
"I love you, Aim."  
  
Feeling as if she were on the verge of tears, Amy pulled her hand out of Andy's. "I love you too," she said mechanically. "I--I've got to go; I'll talk to you later."  
  
"Amy?" She didn't respond, and he just sat there and watched as she stood up and disappeared inside the house. 


	8. Chapter 8

Matchbox 20, "Back 2 Good" (A/N: I don't own the song or the lyrics; just borrowing them to set the tone...)  
  
_It's nothin', It's so normal   
You just stand there I could say so much,   
But I don't go there 'cuz I don't want to   
I was thinkin' if you were lonely   
Maybe we could leave here and no one would know   
At least not to the point we would think so  
And everyone here   
Knows everyone here is thinking 'bout somebody else   
Well, it's best if we all keep this under our heads   
And I couldn't tell if anyone here was feelin' the way I do,   
But I'm lonely now,   
And I don't know how to get it back to good   
This don't mean that, you own me, well   
This ain't no good,   
in fact it's phony as hell   
Yeah, but things worked out just like you wanted too   
If you see me out you don't know me,   
Try to turn your head, try to give me some room   
Ah, to figure out just what I'm gonna do   
Cause everyone here  
Hates everyone here for doing just like they do   
And it's best if we all keep this quiet instead   
And I couldn't tell   
Why everyone here was doing me like they do   
But I'm sorry now, and I don't know how   
To get it back to good   
Well everyone here   
Is wondering what it's like to be with somebody else   
And everyone here's to blame   
And everyone here gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain   
Yeah, well, everyone here hides shades of shame   
Yeah, but looking inside we're the same, we're the same   
And we're all grown now,   
Yeah, but we don't know how   
To get it back to good   
Everyone here   
Knows everyone here is thinking 'bout somebody else   
And it's best if we all keep this   
Under our heads, yeah, our heads   
Yeah, see, I couldn't tell now,   
If anyone here was feeling the way I do   
But it's over now,   
Yeah, I don't know how,   
Guess it's over now,   
There's no getting back to good_  
  
The pictures weren't in any kind of order, just haphazardly tossed into several shoeboxes under her bed, summer vacations coexisting peacefully if a little strangely with birthday parties, Christmases, first days of school, any occasion deemed worthy of capturing for posterity...and some not so worthy, but captured just the same. These days Amy always lost herself in the images when she was feeling down, not to soothe her nostalgia by looking back, but often to punish herself by reflecting on how far things had deteriorated. It was the least she deserved, to grieve over friendships she was more than partially responsible for destroying.  
  
Here was a shot of her and Andrew when they were about eight years old, sitting in his rowboat, floating aimlessly in the middle of the creek. Laughing, as they always were back then. Here they were on her front porch the night of the sixth-grade dance, Andy looking miserable in his Sunday suit, Amy beaming in a plain black dress that she remembered had made her feel awfully grown-up and mature. Here was one of five-year-old Amy and Andy burying Doug in the sand at the beach, all of them smiling like they were having the time of their lives.  
  
Amy stared at the next photo with a hollow feeling in her stomach. It was from last summer. It showed Ben, Amy, Andy, and Jessie sitting on the pier behind her house, their arms wrapped around each other, their bright eyes and easy smiles dazzling against summer tans and a sharp blue-skied backdrop. A year-old August breeze played in their hair and made the image seem so real and alive that the present-day Amy felt she could step right into it. That would solve her problems, wouldn't it? If she could just step into this photograph and be magically transported back to last summer, before Love had become a factor, before it was anything more tangible than a young girl's daydreams about Ben Chambers, before it had cast its spell on three of them and hopelessly tangled their lives and friendships into a mass of confusion and hurt feelings, misunderstandings and broken hearts.  
  
Amy sighed. That was impossible. She tossed the picture back into the box and shoved the whole thing back under her bed. What was she supposed to do now? Her dad had just complicated an already complicated situation further by passing his unreasonable restriction on her seeing Ben. Maybe Joey could talk some sense into him. He listened to her where Amy was concerned, as he seemed to consider her the next best thing Amy had to a mother, the female role model and confidante that she had always turned to when neither one of her dads seemed sufficient.  
  
Until he reconsidered, it was probably best to pretend that their earlier conversation hadn't taken place. If she argued now he would just be more resolved to follow through with the no-Ben rule. Quiet compliance was her best bet; they would be more apt to rethink the unfairness of it when Joey presented her argument.  
  
The phone rang, and Amy flopped down on her bed to answer it.  
  
"So, they didn't kill you, I see. Is everything all right?"  
  
Speak of the devil. "Joey, I'm glad it's you. I need your help."  
  
"Okay, let's hear it."  
  
Amy explained in a breathless rush. "You've got to talk to Dad for me. He and Dougie have decided that I can't see Ben anymore. But last night I finally realized that he's the one I should be with, Joey, it's him, not Andy, and I can't mess it up with him again. I know you understand because you chose Pacey. I'm trying to choose my Pacey now, and it's hard enough to do this to Andy without worrying about my dads on top of everything else there is to think about. Do you see?"  
  
There was a pause. "Aim, are you sure? This is huge."  
  
"I know! You think I don't know that? I'm risking a hell of a lot if it doesn't work out, but I think it might be worth it. And if Andy really loves me like I think he does, he'll learn to accept it, right? He won't just bail on me completely; we've been friends too long."  
  
"Sweetie, slow down."  
  
"I can't! I have to do this soon. I have to tell Andy something before I lose my nerve. And what if my dad talks to Ben like he said he would and Ben stays away from me? I can't lose him over something this trivial. So if you'll just talk to--"  
  
"What if Andy does bail on you?" Joey said, cutting into Amy's rant in a quiet but firm voice.  
  
"What?"  
  
"It could happen, Amy. He could decide that he can't handle losing you to Ben again and that it's easier to lose you altogether. Can you deal with that?"  
  
Amy hesitated, taken aback that Joey didn't sound wholeheartedly supportive of her decision. "I...I don't think he will." Her tone was suddenly uncertain and weak.  
  
"I just don't want you to rush into anything because you're caught up in the moment, Amy. I'm afraid you see too many parallels between what happened with me and Pacey and Dawson years ago and what you're going through now. It may sound like the same thing, honey, but it's not. You are three different people. It might not work out in the end for you the same way it did for me." She sighed. "Besides, a lifetime took place between high school and now, you know. I lost both of them for a while."  
  
"Why are you telling me this?"  
  
"Because I don't want you to get hurt."  
  
"You're the one who's always told me someone will end up getting hurt in this situation, that it's unavoidable. So what if it's me? I'd rather it be me than them."  
  
"I'm not trying to sway you either way. I know this is ultimately your decision. But as someone who's been there, and as someone who cares about you very much, I'm just suggesting that you sleep on it for a day or two before you go rushing out to break up with Andy and spill your feelings all over Ben. Okay?"  
  
Amy was silent for a few moments. "I've already made up my mind, Aunt Joey," she said finally. "Will you help me or not? Will you talk to Daddy?"  
  
Another sigh. "I'll see what I can do. But I know how worried they've been about you lately, and they really think Ben is the culprit. I'm not sure if I can change their minds. Especially if they realize you're thinking of him as more than a friend."  
  
"Don't tell them that part. But please just try," Amy said quietly. "It's very important."  
  
"I know it is," Joey said. "Look, don't be upset with me, okay? I'm just worried about you. _For _ you."  
  
"Isn't everyone?" Amy said sarcastically. Then, relenting, "I'm sorry. I'm not upset. Just trust me when I say that this is what I want. I need your support."  
  
"You've always got it. I'll let you know if I get anywhere with Jackers."  
  
"Thanks." Amy hung up and lay back on her pillow. Joey would fix it; she had to. And she was just being paranoid. Andy wouldn't erase himself from her life that easily. He had always been there, and he would always be there. It was that simple.  
  
"Keep telling yourself that, Lindley," she muttered under her breath.  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
Jack and Doug sat at the Icehouse bar, sipping beers and talking to each other and to Pacey, who took frequent breaks from table-to-table schmoozing with the customers to chat with them. The conversation eventually turned to Amy and the events of the last couple of days.  
  
"You told her she can't see him anymore? Bad idea, guys. Very bad," Pacey said, leaning casually across the bar with a dishtowel slung carelessly over his shoulder.  
  
"Yeah, well enlighten us, oh great one. What would you suggest?" Doug asked sarcastically. "Seeing as how your only kid is a toddler and encounters such complex dilemmas as deciding which Tonka truck to play with on a given afternoon."  
  
"Touché, big brother. But seriously, don't you remember being sixteen? Do you remember when Mom and Dad tried to actually enforce rules?" Pacey shook his head at the memory, smiling slightly. "I don't know about you, but all that did was make me more determined than ever to break them. And I can't even imagine the repercussions of keeping a teenage girl away from her boyfriend. She's going to be devising plots to flee the country with him before you know it. You know, the temptation of forbidden fruit, and all that."  
  
Jack took a gulp of beer, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and sighed. "You're probably right. I didn't want to take it this far, but she's given us little choice. She's scaring the hell out of me, to be quite honest."  
  
"Yeah, she doesn't even seem like our Amy anymore. And you can just bet it's that delinquent's fault," Doug threw in.  
  
"Ah, he's not that bad," Pacey said. "He's just a dumb kid. Some might have said the same about me at that age."  
  
"You were dumb, Pacey, you weren't dangerous."  
  
"You think Ben Chambers is dangerous? Come on, Dougie, I know you're gay, but when did you get to be such a sissy? Now you're afraid of your kid's little friend?" Pacey laughed and dodged Doug's fist as he aimed a not-so- light punch at his brother's arm.  
  
"You know what I mean, little brother. He's dangerous to Amy, and I won't stand for it. She doesn't need friends like him."  
  
"But is that your call to make?" Pacey asked.  
  
"Don't you have asses to kiss?" Doug said irritably. "Please don't let us stop you. We'll stay and reflect on the depths of your wisdom."  
  
Jack was silent for a while after Pacey left for another round of chatting up the clientele. Doug eyed him suspiciously.  
  
"Stop it."  
  
Jack snapped out of his reverie and looked at Doug, puzzled. "Huh?"  
  
"Stop worrying. Since when do you take Pacey's views on anything to heart?"  
  
"Since he voiced some of my concerns. I'm not sure we're going about this the right way, Doug. This really might backfire on us."  
  
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Don't go borrowing trouble."  
  
Jack smiled suddenly, his eyes twinkling. "Got any more of those nifty clichés to toss out?"  
  
"Don't bite the hand that feeds you. How about that one?"  
  
"Not bad. But, honey, you don't feed me."  
  
"I do other things to satisfy your appetite," Doug said meaningfully.  
  
Jack had to laugh. "Well, I could say the same, Sheriff Witter. Maybe more so."  
  
Doug raised an eyebrow at him. "That's better," he said, noting Jack's characteristic smile that lit up his whole face. "And we'll put that to the test later, shall we? Right now, you're going to relax if it kills us both."  
  
"Yes Sheriff." Jack's eyes sparkled, and he leaned over and kissed Doug on the cheek.  
  
Pacey, walking by them, rolled his eyes jokingly. "Please, take the mushy stuff elsewhere. This is a family place."  
  
This time, Doug's fist did connect with his brother's upper arm, and Pacey laughed as he moved on to the next table. 


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Thanks again for the reviews, wonderful readers! I'm so glad you seem to like this story. I was worried about tampering too much with what happened in "Life After," but you know, I was never completely satisfied with how that one ended, and this seemed to be a necessary addendum. Hope you don't mind. And my goal is for you to like Ben and Andy both, so you can feel a little of the dilemma poor Amy is experiencing. I'm not trying to make either one of them out to be the "bad guy." I love both of them myself! =) Anyway, please keep reading and reviewing; I love seeing what you think about this story. Love, boschette**  
  
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Amy glanced nervously out her bedroom window to make sure the coast was still clear, then turned to look at Ben, who was sitting at the foot of her bed, waiting patiently for a response.  
  
"Well? What do you say?" His green eyes twinkled mischievously.  
  
"I say if you don't get your butt out of this house before my dads get home, it's been nice knowing you," she said, agitated but trying unsuccessfully to suppress her smile. "Ben, honestly, you've got to go. I told you that I'm working on getting them to reconsider, but as of right now, they will kill you on sight. And me too, most likely. Please leave, I'm begging you."  
  
His expression turned serious. "Look, the last thing I want is to get you in any more trouble. Or me either, for that matter. Just please come with me. I can't get my mind off you, Amy; we need to finish what we were talking about last night before we...stopped talking. It might be our only chance for a while, if your dad doesn't drop the anti-Ben campaign. _I'm_ begging _you_."  
  
Amy took a deep breath, looking into his pleading eyes, and she was swept by a familiar sensation of longing, a feeling that she had buried months and months ago and promised herself she would forget about, one that was dizzying, dangerous, and disturbing, exciting and frightening all at once. But mostly it was just tempting. She knew she was going to give in. She knew it even before he gave her his most winning smile and kissed her on the forehead. But that sealed the deal.  
  
"All right," she said in her best exasperated tone. "I'll come with you."  
  
"Yes, that's my girl!" He grinned at her.  
  
"Don't get cocky. Let's just get the hell out of here before they come home." Amy scribbled a note for Jack and Doug and left it on the kitchen counter: _Going to Jessie's. Back before curfew. Love, A._ She looked up at Ben. "Can't be too careful these days," she said, and he nodded and winked.  
  
In the driveway, Ben let her into the passenger side of his newly dented car and walked around to get in behind the wheel. He was about to turn the key when Amy gasped and clapped both hands to her mouth. He looked over at her, startled by the shock in her eyes, and then followed her gaze.  
  
Andrew was standing at the bottom of the porch steps of Amy's house. He was almost hidden in the gathering shadows of dusk, but even in the dimness Ben could make out the dark, stony expression on his face as he stared back at the two in the car.  
  
"Not again," Ben muttered under his breath, then looked back at Amy. Her blue eyes were transfixed on Andy, her hands still hovering over her mouth in a parody of surprise that might have been comical if the situation weren't so far from funny. The moment stretched out for what felt like an eternity, until at last Andrew shattered the absolute stillness of it all when he turned and walked away, back in the direction of his own house, swallowed almost immediately by the shadows.  
  
Amy made a helpless, strangled moaning sound in her throat, and Ben looked over to see her blue eyes swimming with tears.  
  
"Amy," Ben said, trying to sound confidently firm and soothing and rational, and knowing it probably wouldn't help one bit. "Listen to me. It's okay. We're doing nothing wrong. We have every right to be hanging out together, at least as far as he's concerned. Look at me. It's okay, I promise. I won't tell him anything you don't want me to."  
  
She looked at Ben, her watery gaze hitting him like an arrow through the heart. "I...I have to...I can't just..."  
  
He nodded at her unfinished thought. "I know," he said quietly, tearing his eyes away from her. She was too beautiful just then to look at. "I know. Go after him."  
  
She hesitated, and he thought for a brief moment that she was going to lean across the seat and kiss him, but then she was gone, running in the direction Andrew had gone, running after her best friend, her boyfriend, as if her life depended on catching up with him.  
  
Ben smiled bitterly to himself as he watched her go, Amy Lindley, his blessing, his curse, his first love...He should have known better. He shouldn't have let himself believe, even for a moment, that it could work out. She belonged to someone else, and she always would. All the proof he needed was in her panic-stricken eyes when she had caught sight of Andrew, the desperation in her voice as she tried to tell Ben why she couldn't stay.  
  
When she had also been swallowed up by the shadows, Ben finally started his car and backed out of the driveway.  
  
----------------------------------------  
  
Amy ran all the way to Andrew's house through the connecting backyards of the neighbors' houses between them, and when she spotted him sitting in the bench swing in his backyard, she slowed to a walk. As she approached, out of breath, she suddenly realized she had no idea what she was going to say to him. Her mind and her heart were masses of confused thoughts and emotions.  
  
She stepped in front of the swing. He looked up at her, his eyes coldly expectant. "Well? Something you want to tell me?" he asked.  
  
Amy still didn't speak. Her heart was hammering in her ears, and she felt dizzy and weak. What was she supposed to do? Lie to him? Wouldn't that just make things worse? "I...I don't know."  
  
"Nice opener," he said. "Not very eloquent, though. I know you can do better."  
  
"Do you have to be so sarcastic?" she asked. "Please, Andy, this is hard..."  
  
"Just say what you came to say," he said. "Obviously you didn't chase me down for the fun of it." His gaze was steady, the casual tone of his voice doing a great job of disguising his own racing pulse and aching heart. He wanted more than anything to just take her in his arms and hold her and forget the past couple of days. To forget that Ben Chambers existed. But he did exist, and he stood between them bigger than life, and Andrew just went on being cruel to the only girl he'd ever loved and hating himself for it. "Let's have it, I'm waiting."  
  
"Andy...please don't rush me through this. I, uh...this wasn't supposed to happen. Not like this."  
  
He wanted her to go away, he wished he didn't know her so damn well that he could read everything so clearly in her eyes. If only he didn't have to look at her face and see as plain as day what she was trying so desperately to figure out how to tell him. He stood up from the swing and looked down at her mercilessly. "What wasn't supposed to happen, Amy? C'mon, don't keep me in suspense..._What?_" he snapped in a rough tone that made her wince.  
  
She was silent, looking at him pleadingly, her bottom lip trembling.  
  
"Do you want me to guess, is that it? Is that how far we've regressed into immaturity, far enough to play a little guessing game with our relationship?" He felt a horrible stab of satisfaction when she began to cry, and he hated himself even more for that. "Well let me just make this easy for you, Aim...you don't have to tell me a damn thing. I think I can fill in the blanks just fine, and you know something? I don't really want to know if I win the game. I don't want to know if I'm right. There. You're off the hook." He began to back away from her, toward the house.  
  
"Andy..." She reached for his hand and he shook free of her grasp.  
  
"You'd better catch up with him, Amy. It's bad form to go chasing after old flames. I've made the same mistake before."  
  
"Andy, you're not an old flame...don't be ridiculous, it's..."  
  
"That's exactly what I am. That's _all_ I am. It's over, Amy, isn't that what you wanted to say to me? Well I guess I did it for you. It's over. Everything. Do you understand?"  
  
The bitterness in his voice cut her to the core, the harshness of what he was saying stinging like salt in her open wounds. She stood there, tears falling freely down her cheeks and dripping off her chin, and there were no words. The back door of the Harpers' house slammed shut with a flat crack that seemed to shake the stillness of the summer evening. Amy dropped to the ground, her body shaking with silent sobs. 


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Hi guys, sorry for the delay (as compared to the one-a-day updates that I've been doing lately). I've been exceptionally busy this week, but now that things are slowing down, here's a longish chapter for you. Please read and review! Thanks as always...**  
  
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The coal of Ben's cigarette glowed red-hot in the darkness. He sat on the edge of a beach chair and stared blindly in the direction of the crashing waves, breathing in salty sea air and dry, dusty-smelling smoke and trying like hell to think about anything but Amy Lindley. Therefore Amy Lindley was all he was thinking about.  
  
Last night already seemed like a dream. It had that foggy, surreal, not- quite-tangible feel to it when he pressed his mind to call up specifics. Whether that was the beer he'd drunk or simply the effect of being alone with the girl he loved and hearing her tell him she loved him too, he wasn't sure. She had told him that. And yeah, she'd been drunk, too, but he thought that was more the effect than the cause. The alcohol might have loosened her tongue, but it hadn't fabricated the sentiments behind her words. No way.  
  
After leaving the party, the two of them had sat right on this very lounge chair, side by side, sharing a cigarette and the deserted strip of beach and a closeness they hadn't experienced before, even in the brief time they had been more than what they'd since become to one another. She had broken the initial silence with a statement that, though simple enough, was thick with importance...  
  
_"I meant what I said before, Ben."  
  
"What's that?" Not looking at her, refusing to lead her. She had to do this all by herself. He couldn't be a part of it, he had to let her say her piece solo. It wouldn't count if he touched it.  
  
"I can't seem to find the right words, but you know what I was trying to say, don't you?"  
  
"Mmm." He took a long drag on the cigarette and fought the urge to cough. He had to play it cool. Noncommittal. Impartial. Oh yeah, no problem. She put her hand on his arm, and it was warm and soft and perfect.  
  
"I'm sorry you got hurt before. I didn't want to hurt either one of you...or myself for that matter. Maybe I thought you could take it better than he could, maybe that was it. But now I think maybe you were right when you told me I need to make decisions for myself, that I can't always be thinking of him and what my actions will do to him. Because it's my life, and even though he's a big part of it...well...so are you. And I'm not happy, Ben."  
  
He looked at her searchingly, his expression carefully neutral.  
  
"I'm not," she repeated earnestly. Tears glistened in her eyes, reflecting the moonlight and her innocence; at that moment she looked even younger than her almost-sixteen years, and his heart ached for her and her choices, the ones she should never have had to make, the ones he'd had a part in forcing on her. Those were choices that always came back to haunt you later on as you tried to live your life with a confidence you'd never felt in your decision. How could he have done that to her? How could Andrew have? They were supposed to love her.  
  
"I'm sorry," he whispered gruffly. "You deserve to be happy."  
  
"I'm happy...when I'm with you." Her voice was soft, timid, barely audible over the sound of the waves. She moved closer to him, and his heartbeat quickened. He grasped tightly to his restraint, fighting the urge to hold her, kiss her...it wasn't safe yet. She was still on her own.  
  
Her hand moved up his arm, brushing his cheek as she turned his head so that he had to look at her.  
  
"What do you want, Amy?" He'd asked the question once before, and her answer had slammed a door. Now he waited, afraid to hope that this time it would open one, but hoping anyway.  
  
"I love you," she said. "I want you."  
  
She leaned in and kissed him, and at first he didn't kiss her back, struggling with clashing thoughts and emotions that grappled for control of him, logic snuffed out by desire, uncertainty and guilt drowned by need...and then his lips met hers, his mouth opening to taste and feel her, the familiarity filling his heart and making him feel like crying even as they lowered themselves to the sand in each other's arms..._  
  
He'd been lost in the memory that now felt like a dream. He flicked his cigarette away and rubbed his eyes with his hands, roughly, hating himself. Hating Andrew. Hating her.  
  
If only that were true.  
  
He stood up and began to walk back down the beach. From here he could see the lights of the Icehouse and hear voices and laughter and even the tinkling of plates and silverware. Without really thinking about what he was doing or why, he headed in that direction.  
  
----------------------------------------  
  
Pacey was wiping down the bar when the kid appeared out of nowhere, sitting down on the very barstool where Doug had sat half an hour before. He looked like a train wreck.  
  
"What can I get you?" Pacey asked, deciding against his initial impulse to ask him who'd gunned down his best friend. The kid didn't look like he was in a jovial mood.  
  
"Whatever's on tap," Ben said, taking out his battered cigarette pack and lighting a slightly crooked Camel.  
  
"One root beer, coming up," Pacey said, and when Ben glared at him, he amended, "Sorry, kid, but I ain't losing my liquor license over my niece's partner in crime, even if you do look like you could use a cold one." He poured the root beer into a pilsner glass and set it down in front of Ben, who nodded his thanks. Pacey indicated the cigarette. "Those things will kill ya, you know."  
  
"I'll keep that in mind."  
  
Pacey looked at Ben thoughtfully, trying to decide if he should stay out of whatever this was. But the kid had wandered in here for a reason, and maybe he needed to talk.  
  
"You're lucky you didn't get here any sooner. Our lovable local sheriff and his English teacher sidekick were here, actually right where you're sitting. I guess that wouldn't have been a happy run-in," Pacey said, trying to open the door for the kid to spill his guts.  
  
Ben nodded. "They have nothing to worry about. Nothing."  
  
"Do I detect a hint of bitterness?"  
  
"Nah, I don't care. I mean, it's not like she's the only girl in the world or anything. I'll just keep fishing."  
  
Pacey raised a half-amused eyebrow at Ben. "Well, that's one way of looking at it. Then again, when you've caught that special fish, it's hard to throw it back and start over. You have to think about getting the right kind of bait, and getting to know a new fish, and that's not to mention forgetting about the old one. The sea's a big place, my friend, but there aren't that many really special fish."  
  
"Can we stop with the fish analogy? It sucks."  
  
Pacey leaned across the bar on his elbow. "Man, I've been there," he said more seriously. "I know it hurts, but that's love. That's life. It's worth it."  
  
"I don't know about that."  
  
"Oh, because you're so wise? Let me tell you, I've been right where you are, and I would have said the same thing, but I was wrong and so are you. It is the best thing in the world, when it works. And when it doesn't...it's the worst kind of pain." Pacey averted his gaze and added quietly, "Is she staying with him?"  
  
Ben's eyes snapped up to Pacey's. He was taken off guard. "Looks that way," he said.  
  
Pacey nodded, suddenly flashing back to a conversation on a dock a lifetime ago, when a certain dark-haired beauty had broken his heart into a million pieces on the day that had been one of the worst of his life up until then. "_I think maybe you should be the one to walk away first this time,_" he'd said to her. And she had.  
  
Pacey looked at the kid and saw that kind of pain in his eyes. He knew better than anyone, perhaps, that only one person could ease that particular pain. He resisted the temptation to reach over and pat the kid's arm, and instead turned toward a group of young women who had just seated themselves at the bar. Ben would have to work his way through this. Like he had. Like all of them somehow managed to do.  
  
-----------------------------  
  
Amy was sitting on the pier behind their house when Jack found her.  
  
"Hi there, baby, I thought you went over to Jessie's house..." he began, and then he got a good look at his daughter. "What's wrong? What happened?" he demanded, alarmed, kneeling down next to her.  
  
She glared at him, shrinking back as he reached out to put his hand on her shoulder. "Congratulations, Dad," she said, her shaky voice dripping venom. "Your wish has come true. I won't be seeing Ben anymore. Andrew either, for that matter. So I'll be your pristine little angelic virginal daughter for the rest of my life; you don't even have to invest in that chastity belt. I've lost everyone this time."  
  
"Honey..." Jack was taken aback not just by how upset she was, but by the anger underlying it. The resentment in her eyes. "What happened?"  
  
He tried again to touch her, but she flung her arm back so hard she almost lost her balance. "Don't!"  
  
Taking a deep breath, Jack forced himself to sound calm and reasonable. "Listen, whatever happened, it's not my fault. You know I hate to see you hurting like this, Amy, please tell me..."  
  
"It IS your fault! Yours and Doug's. If you hadn't forbidden me to see him, he wouldn't have had to come over and persuade me to go with him so that we could sort things out, and Andy wouldn't have seen us together, and I could have done it in my own time, my own way. Not the way it happened. Now he hates me. They both do. So you see, it's because of you! I hate you!" Amy's voice had grown gradually louder and louder, until she was all-out shouting at him, tears clouding her vision all the while.  
  
Jack stared at her, stunned. She had never spoken to him like this. Doug, sure, but never him. He swallowed hard and resolved to keep his cool. "I know you're upset right now, Amy, so I'm going to let some of this slide, but you need to calm yourself down and think about what you're saying. This is me, Amy. I'm your father, and I love you, and I want to understand what you're going through, but you're going to have to slow down and help me out here."  
  
Her teary eyes were as cold as ice. "You're not," she spat.  
  
He didn't breathe, hoping like hell she wasn't going to say what he feared most.  
  
"Amy, please..." He reached out and took hold of her arm.  
  
"You're NOT my father." The words hung in the air like some toxic gas between them.  
  
As his hand slackened and fell from her arm, Amy let out a rasping sob and ran past him and into the house. Jack stood where he was, feeling like she had just reached inside his chest and twisted his heart in her hands. His girl, his Amy, had always had a tendency to lash out when she was hurting. She was like a live wire in this state, he knew that, dangerous and emotionally destructive. She'd said the same thing to Doug once, but that was different...somehow. Bearable, almost understandable, though he felt guilty for even thinking that, as if he were trying to suppress the feeling that he was more Amy's dad than Doug was...they had both ridden this roller coaster the whole way together, and parenthood didn't keep score. But though he wouldn't admit it even to himself, Jack had always prided himself on being the good daddy, the fun daddy, the one she came to with good news and for comfort, the one she loved perhaps a tiny bit more.  
  
And now she was turning on both of them. Looking up at her darkened bedroom window, he said aloud, "I'm afraid we're losing her, Jen. I don't know what we've done wrong, but she's slipping away from us." 


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Thanks as always for the last crop of reviews. Erin, Im so glad you like the stories! I hope the last chapter didnt make Amy irredeemable for anyone. Shes confused and hurt, and we all say things we dont mean from time to time; thats one of Amys biggest character flaws. Maybe this chapter will make her more likable again. Back to the triangle next time...Stay with me!  
  
**---------------------------------  
  
Doug walked up behind Jack as he stood on the pier, staring out at the water. He wrapped his arms around him, clasping his hands together around Jack's chest and kissing him gently on the back of the head.  
  
"What happened?" he asked when Jack didn't volunteer an explanation.  
  
"Well, Amy hates me, for one thing," Jack said with an ironic little smile, putting his hand on top of Dougie's and squeezing affectionately. "She hates me and she finally felt the need to point out that I am not, in fact, her father. And how do I argue with that? She's right."  
  
"Don't do that, Jack. Don't."  
  
"What? It's true. She's right, isn't she, I'm not her father. Her father is some worthless deadbeat jerk who knocked Jen up and didn't let the door hit him in the ass when he found out there was going to BE an Amy. I don't want to be that guy."  
  
"Of course you don't. You're the opposite of that guy. She's damn lucky you're the man you are, too. Look, how many times have we been through this? Our sweet little angel can act like a heartless bitch when she's upset, and you know it. She says things she doesn't mean, she does things she regrets later. This is Amy, Jack. How many times have you reminded me not to take it to heart?"  
  
"I know. This is different, though."  
  
"Why? Because it's you this time instead of me?" Doug asked the question in a semi-amused tone, but Jack turned around and frowned at him over his shoulder.  
  
"I guess that's not really fair, is it? And I don't know why I can't take my own advice. All I do know is it hurts."  
  
"That's parenthood, babe. It's our job to raise our kid with love, and it's her job to turn everything we've ever taught her against us as she morphs into this teenage beast hell bent on breaking our hearts over and over again. But we can't let her. If we do, she wins. And I don't like to lose."  
  
Jack smiled. "What made you such an expert on parenthood?"  
  
"Maybe it's being surrounded by young whippersnappers like you and Pacey and your long-overdue-to-cut-the-ties high school gang. As the patriarchal figure here, I guess I've just absorbed more wisdom than the rest of you. Live and learn, Jacky my boy."  
  
Jack gently elbowed Doug in the stomach. "I forget you're an old man sometimes. You're holding up very well, you know."  
  
"Thank you. I do my best. Now, shall we head upstairs? I believe you mentioned something earlier about appetite suppression..." Doug arched a teasing eyebrow at Jack, who glanced up at Amy's window.  
  
"And I intend to make good on that promise," he said. "But I have to do something first."  
  
"Come on, Jack," Doug said, serious again. "Let it go for tonight. She's done enough to spoil our evening, hasn't she? Don't give her the chance to do any more damage."  
  
"I need to check on her. You didn't see how upset she was. There was something in her eyes. Something kind of like...hopelessness. It scared me."  
  
"Well then let me do it, okay? I'll check on her. You hang out here and think of new and extreme ways to impress me later."  
  
Jack hesitated, then nodded. "Yeah, okay. But don't let it turn into a fight, please. I'm not nearly in the frame of mind to mediate."  
  
Doug gave him a mock innocent look. "You wouldn't be implying that I am an instigator, now, would you?" Jack rolled his eyes, smiling, as Doug started back into the house.  
  
-------------------------------  
  
Amy felt like she had been kicked in the stomach. Sitting on the edge of her bed in her now-dark room, she gasped for breath and tried to will herself to calm down and think clearly. What had she done? In the last two hours she had succeeded in alienating the guy she was beginning to believe she was really in love with, losing her lifelong best friend and breaking his heart in the process, and saying something cruel and virtually unforgivable to her dad, who was just trying to help her. And what made it worse was knowing that these were three of the few people in the world that she had always, always been able to count on. At the moment it was impossible to feel anything but hatred for herself.  
  
There was a sharp rap on the door, and Doug's voice called her name. When she didn't answer, he said, "All right, I'm coming in."  
  
She sat up and swiped at the tears on her cheeks as he swung the door open and towered in the doorway, his jaw set and his eyes sharp.  
  
"What's the matter with you?" he asked sternly. "Do you know how badly you hurt your dad's feelings? Do you care? Look, Amy, it's one thing to be upset and angry, but when you start trying to make the people who love you feel just as bad as you do, it's time to snap out of it and stop being so selfish."  
  
Amy nodded, looking down at her hands. "I didn't mean what I said to him."  
  
"Of course you didn't. I know that, he knows that, but that doesn't take away the pain you've caused him. You can't just lash out in anger and then expect to apologize later and make it all better. Some words leave scars."  
  
She raised her head to look at him, tears flooding her eyes. "So I can't fix it?"  
  
Seeing the pain clearly on her flushed, tear-stained face, he relented and came over to squat beside her next to the bed. "Tell him you're sorry," he said. "You can't undo the damage, but that's a good first step to healing it. Let him know how much you love him. He's very worried about you, Aim. We've both been worried about you."  
  
She looked at him, surprised. "You too?"  
  
"Of course me too. I don't like the path you're heading down, baby. We want to trust you, and you're making that very hard to do."  
  
She took a deep, shuddery breath. "I guess so. But Dougie, isn't making mistakes part of growing up?"  
  
"Mistakes, yes. Not bad choice after bad choice, which is what you've been doing."  
  
"It's not Ben's fault," she said tentatively, wanting to tread lightly in this area. "I know you blame him, but you shouldn't. I make my own decisions."  
  
Doug sighed. "I promised Jack I wouldn't let this turn into a fight, kiddo, so we're going to table that discussion for now. That Chambers kid is dangerous territory."  
  
"Andy's not perfect either, you know."  
  
"No one said he was."  
  
"I think I'm in love with Ben, Dougie."  
  
Doug squeezed his eyes shut, wishing she hadn't said that. "Not now," he said again, biting his tongue against the urge to make a sarcastic remark. "Go out and talk to your dad."  
  
She stood up, feeling like his non-response was at least a pseudo-victory for Ben. She started out of the room, then turned back to Doug and hugged him tightly. He was taken aback but pleased at the uncharacteristic display of affection that was usually reserved for Jack. He brushed a few loose strands of hair out of her eyes as she looked up at him.  
  
"You're a good kid, Aim," he said. "We just want to keep it that way, all right? Work with us, not against us."  
  
She nodded, then pulled out of his embrace and set off to make amends with her other dad.  
  
-------------------------------  
  
Jack was sitting on the edge of the pier, dangling his feet near the surface of the black night-water of the creek. Amy stood nervously, looking down at him, hoping he was going to make this easy on her.  
  
"Um, Daddy?" she began.  
  
"Mmm?" He didn't look up.  
  
"I'm sorry, okay?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Really, I am. I've had a horrible night, and I don't even know what I'm saying. I...I shouldn't have talked to you that way."  
  
"All right."  
  
"Dad, please..."  
  
"Please what? You want me to tell you all is perfect again? It's not, Amy. And just because Doug sent you down here to apologize doesn't mean I'm automatically going to open up my arms and tell you everything is okay when it's not."  
  
Amy was struck speechless for a few moments. She was tempted to turn around and leave him sitting there. She'd tried, hadn't she? Couldn't he see that she was hurting? That this was hard for her? But she shook off the thoughts and stood her ground.  
  
"Dougie didn't send me, Daddy. I'm really sorry for what I said. You don't have to forgive me if you don't want to, but at least believe that I didn't mean it," she said, her tone taking on a note of pleading as she hurried on. "You're much more my father than the guy whose DNA I was unlucky enough to inherit. I got more than my fair share of parents with you and Dougie. You guys are the best dads in the world. I...I don't even deserve you." She trailed off into silence.  
  
After what seemed like an eternity, Amy finally decided he wasn't going to answer, that she really had done irreparable damage by her malicious words. Feeling the tears surge into her eyes once more, she turned to walk away.  
  
"Amy." He caught her arm and turned her to face him. "You have no idea how much I needed to hear that. Thank you for saying it," he said. "Come here." He held his arms out and she flung herself into them, lost in a wave of relief so powerful it took her breath away.  
  
When they finally pulled apart, he tilted her face up so that she had to look at him. "Want to tell me what happened tonight?" he asked in a tone that left little room for her to refuse. "Maybe this time without so many insults and accusations?"  
  
She took a deep, shuddery breath. "I'll tell you if you promise not to miss the point by getting mad at me for the trivial parts. Like Ben coming over."  
  
He studied her face for several moments and then nodded. "Deal," he said.  
  
They settled back down on the pier as she began pouring out the details of her heartrending evening. Jack listened carefully, not interrupting, savoring his own feeling of relief that washed over him as she spoke. She was opening up, letting him back into a world she had actively shut him out of for the past few months. Maybe he hadn't lost her after all. 


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Its been awhile since I updated this one, and I thought Id take a break from Feels Like Coming Home since Ive been updating that so frequently. I hope I didnt lose the feel for this story in the interim; its harder than I thought to keep more than one story going at the same time because you have to stick to the tone of each one, and theyre so different. So forgive me if Ive missed the mark here. I hope you like it, but let me know either way. Thanks in advance!**  
  
------------------------------------------  
  
Later that night, Andrew lay awake, staring at the moonlight shadow patterns that played on his bedroom ceiling. He felt hollow. He kept seeing Amy's eyes when he closed his own, those beautiful blue eyes that had been filled with pain that he'd caused. And he'd done it on purpose; he couldn't deny that. She had hurt him, and he wanted to hurt her back. It was childish but true. He'd wanted her to know how she was making him feel. Now he regretted it, but the regret had come too late.  
  
Had he overreacted? Maybe ... probably. He only knew that he'd been feeling distant from her for months in a way that he never had before. And he knew that he blamed Ben for that distance, because deep down he thought that he himself had never really won the fight that had taken place last year. It was an awful thing to face, but he had an idea that Amy had chosen him only to avoid losing him altogether. Hadn't she all but told him that?  
  
Seeing her in Ben's car tonight, just when he was feeling the most vulnerable in their relationship, had been the last straw. It was all in her eyes, everything he needed to know and had been afraid of knowing. She wanted Ben now. Whether or not she would follow through was another story, but she wanted him. And could Andy hold on to someone who was with him for all the wrong reasons?  
  
Glancing over at the clock by his bed, he saw that it was almost midnight. She was probably still awake. If she was feeling anything like he was right now, she would be awake. He sat up on the edge of the bed and reached for his shoes.  
  
---------------------------------------  
  
They sat side by side on the pier for a long time. Jack held up his end of the bargain, letting Amy spill everything to him without interruption. When she finally seemed to be winding down and there was a period of silence, he put his arm around her shoulders.  
  
"I wish I could make this easier for you," he said. "I hate to see you going through this kind of pain and not be able to fix it. Your mom would know exactly what to do, she'd give you the right advice, she'd say the right words. I'm not nearly as gifted at healing emotional turmoil as she was, that's for sure."  
  
"What would she tell me to do?" Amy asked.  
  
Jack frowned. "I wish I knew, babe. She'd want you to follow your heart, though. She was big on that."  
  
Amy smiled up at her father. "And if my heart is telling me that I belong with Ben...?"  
  
Jack sighed, closing his eyes as if hearing this pained him. "Oh. Well ... in that case ... I guess she'd probably tell you to ... go for it."  
  
"Are _you_ telling me to go for it?" Amy asked, amused by her dad's dilemma.  
  
"You're a pain in the butt, you know that?"  
  
"Asking for sage parental advice is being a pain in the butt?"  
  
"No, but entrapment is. This is entrapment."  
  
"Ben's not a bad guy, you know. Joey says he reminds her of Pacey. The way he used to be, back in high school."  
  
Jack raised an eyebrow at her. "Oh, way back then, huh? Thanks, but we're not _that_ old." He took a deep breath. "Okay, kiddo, here's the deal. I'm going to lift the Ben ban, because I've been thinking about it, and it's not really fair to punish you just because we don't trust a friend of yours. But you have to do something for me in return."  
  
Amy nodded and waited for him to go on.  
  
"You opened up to me tonight, and that was great. I need to know what's going on in your life on a regular basis, Amy. Otherwise, my imagination takes over and I'm forced to draw my own conclusions about what you're up to, and that's not good for either one of us. I know you don't feel like you can talk to me about everything. But please try. And if you don't feel comfortable talking to me about something, go to Joey. Whatever you do, don't shut us out like you have so much this year. And I want you to stay out of trouble. If something like the ecstasy thing happens again..."  
  
"It won't," she said firmly, meeting his gaze steadily. "I swear."  
  
"Yeah, well, Dougie's going to kill me. He was all for locking you up in your room until you're eighteen. But then I reminded him what eighteen-year- olds are like, and he changed it to thirty. You really don't know how lucky you are that I didn't give in. He's very persuasive." He looked at her seriously. "So, am I allowed to ask what you're going to do?"  
  
"I'm not sure," she answered truthfully. "I think I have to fix things with Andy before I do anything else. I really hurt him, Dad. I have to at least try to salvage our friendship."  
  
Jack nodded. "Sounds familiar," he said. "Believe it or not, I've watched a drama very much like this one unfold before."  
  
"Joey and Dawson?"  
  
"Yep. And look at them now. They're still friends, even though she ended up marrying Pacey."  
  
"But Dad, I need to see where things go with Ben. I want to give it another try with him. For real this time, without having to worry about what every decision I make is doing to Andy."  
  
"I understand. You know I'm not crazy about the guy, but I do trust your judgement, and maybe this is one of those times when it doesn't really matter what I think. Just be careful, Aim. Be careful with your heart. You've only got one." He sighed. "Now, I guess I've got to get back inside and break the news to Dougie that I'm letting our little girl grow up." He leaned over and kissed the top of her head. "Just don't do it too fast, okay?"  
  
Amy smiled. "You mean, if Ben offers to unburden me from my virginity tonight, I can't say yes?"  
  
"Amy! That is _not_ funny," he said sternly, shaking his head as he started back up to the house.  
  
Amy looked up at the black, starry sky and wondered what time it was. It felt late. Would Andrew still be up? Would he even talk to her if he was? She sat there awhile longer, gathering her courage and preparing herself for whatever reaction Andy might have when she showed up in his bedroom in the middle of the night. And when she told him what she had to say.  
  
Halfway across the backyard, Amy heard a noise that stopped her in her tracks. Looking back in the direction of the house, she could make out the silhouette of a person standing in the shadows formed by the overhang of the back porch. The sound came again, a faint clicking noise that was somehow vaguely familiar.  
  
"Who's there?" she asked in a loud whisper, squinting through the darkness.  
  
The silhouette moved. "Amy?"  
  
"Ben! What are you doing here?"  
  
They walked toward each other. Ben held his hand out, palm up, to show her the creek pebbles that he'd been tossing at her bedroom window. She couldn't hide a smile.  
  
"What year is it?" she asked, amused. "Why didn't you just call me?"  
  
He smiled slightly. "I thought this would be more romantic," he said. "And I didn't want to wake your dads, because I'm not quite ready to die yet."  
  
"So ... why are you here?"  
  
Ben seemed to be gathering strength to say something. He took a deep breath, then dropped the pebbles, brushed his hands off on his jeans, and reached for Amy's hands, squeezing them in his own. "Because I wanted you to know that what I said to you last night at the beach still stands. Even if you were only saying those things because you were drunk, or if you only said them to get back at Andy for something, I really don't care. All that matters to me now is that you know how I feel about you. That you know it hasn't changed. It never did, even after ... even after you chose him. I love you, Amy, okay? You should know that even if you end up choosing him again."  
  
There was a silence that, to Ben, felt like an eternity as they looked at one another. He was about to drop her hands when she suddenly pulled him toward her and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him. He was taken off guard, and it took him a moment to realize that this was really happening. Her hands wound around his neck and he pulled her closer, savoring the feel of her lips, her body, the wisps of her hair that tickled his cheeks.  
  
When they finally stepped apart, both were slightly out of breath. Ben spoke first.  
  
"What was that for?" he asked.  
  
She looked at him with her piercing blue eyes. "That was for us," she said. "For our second chance. The one that's going to count."  
  
Ben's heartbeat quickened, but he still didn't quite believe what he was hearing. "Lindley, do you mean...?"  
  
"You know what I mean," she said. "This time I'm going to follow my heart."  
  
They leaned in for another kiss, and both of them were blissfully unaware that they weren't alone. Both were ignorant of their friend, who stood cloaked in shadows behind the dividing shrubbery of the next-door neighbor's yard.  
  
Andrew wanted nothing more than to look away, to erase this scene from his mind, but he couldn't. As he watched helplessly, his heart broke for the second time that night. 


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Okay, guys, last chapter. I hope you enjoy it and feel that it ties things up sufficiently. I've struggled with this one for the last couple of chapters, and I really hope that doesn't show. I just never know how to wrap up the trials of this little group (see Life After if you don't believe me). Please let me know what you think, at any rate. Thank you very much!**

"Well it's good to know where I stand in decisions regarding _our_ daughter," Doug said in a sulky tone as he stood in the doorway of the bedroom with his arms folded over his chest.

Jack raised his head off the pillow and studied Doug for several moments; then he flopped back down, put his hands over his eyes, and groaned exasperatedly. "_Please_ don't blow this out of proportion," he said. "I'm begging you. Let it go."

"I don't think I'm blowing anything out of proportion. I think I have every right to be mad about this. It's sending Amy the message that your rules are the only ones that matter. What Jack says goes; Dougie's just a mere _stepdad,_ after all."

"Damn it, Doug, you know that's not true. And if you wonder why she's such a drama queen, step back and look at how you're acting right now. All I did was tell her that forbidding her to see one of her closest friends wasn't fair. Do you know that imposing rules like that on a teenager almost _always_ backfires? What if we kept it going, and she came to us in a month to tell us she's pregnant with his child?"

Doug grunted. "Bite your tongue," he said.

Jack sat up again and looked at him. "Now are we going to keep arguing, or can we put this aside and try to enjoy the rest of our night?"

"I'm not finished arguing," Doug said, but Jack could tell he was starting to relent. He uncrossed his arms and wandered casually over to the window that looked out over the creek. "Are you going to make it up to me?" he asked with his back turned.

Jack smiled, relieved. "I'll see what I can do," he said. "Why don't you—"

"What the hell!" Doug interrupted.

Jack sat up, alarmed by the sudden fury he heard in Dougie's voice. "Huh? What's—"

Doug turned away from the window, letting the curtain he had pushed aside drop back into place. "Well, this was a great solution, Jack. Excellent parenting." He reached for the shirt he'd carelessly dropped by the bed and pulled it on over his head as he started out of the room.

Bewildered, Jack got up and followed him down the stairs.

Amy felt the kiss to the tips of her fingers. It was exhilarating, intoxicating, almost frightening in its intensity. When at last they pulled away from each other and she saw the same feelings mirrored in his eyes, she was breathless and speechless. Ben studied her face for several moments.

"I've missed that," he said. "I can't tell you how much I've missed that."

"Me too."

He took her face between his hands and made her look at him, a sudden uncertainty clouding his eyes. "I just want to make sure ... Amy, is this for real? I need to know that. I don't think I can take losing you again if you're not sure. So tell me before this goes any further. Tell me if this is what you want. Tell me if ... if _I'm_ what you want."

"You always were," she said in a voice that was barely more than a whisper.

His eyes shone with the reflection of the moonlight as he studied her face intently for signs that she was saying this just to pacify him. When he found only simple sincerity looking back at him, he relaxed and pulled her toward him again. As they kissed, he lowered her gently to the ground, and they lay on the dewy grass, holding each other. His hands moved to caress the soft blonde tendrils of hair around her face, and they both were lost in the infinite tenderness of the moment.

The sound of the screen door on the back porch banging open jolted both of them out of their dreamlike state, and they sat up with almost comically identical expressions of surprise and alarm.

"Get up," Doug said to Amy as he came down the porch steps toward them. "Go inside."

"Dougie, what's ..."

"Don't make me tell you again! Get in the house, now!"

Amy flinched a little at his tone and looked up as Jack came out the door and stood at the top of the porch steps, surveying the scene before him. "Dad, we weren't doing anything wrong!" she appealed. "Tell him to back off!"

"Doug, what is it?" Jack asked. "What happened?"

Doug's gaze was fixed on Ben, who seemed to be having trouble getting to his feet. When he finally gained his balance, he immediately backed away from Doug.

"You've got some nerve, kid," Doug said to Ben. "Groping my daughter in our backyard. Are you that incredibly stupid, or do you just have a death wish?"

Ben didn't miss a beat. "Both, I guess," he said. "I'm sorry, Sheriff, I just came here to talk to Amy."

"Looked to me like you were doing a hell of a lot more than talking," Doug snapped.

"I know, sir, and I'm sorry you saw that. I—we were—I didn't mean—" he trailed off helplessly, catching Amy's eyes over Doug's shoulder. He took a deep breath and looked back at Doug. "I love Amy, Sheriff Witter," he said in a much steadier tone. "I love her and I wanted her to know that. I came to tell her that."

There was a brief silence during which Jack moved to stand next to Amy, putting his arm around her shoulders. Doug turned to glance at her, and then returned his sharp stare to Ben. "Is that supposed to make me feel better about you two rolling around outside our bedroom window in the middle of the night?" he asked, but his tone had softened considerably, and they all heard the change. Some of the tension had melted out of the situation. Amy relaxed a little.

"I hope so," Ben said quietly, the corner of his mouth twitching in a near-smile.

Doug's expression remained solid as stone, and he reached out to grip Ben's shoulder with one of his large hands. "Listen to me, Chambers, and listen good. Don't you _ever_ let me catch you rolling around with my daughter outside our bedroom window—or anywhere else, for that matter. If that happens, it will be the last rolling around you ever do with anyone. Do we understand each other?"

"Yes sir."

Doug held Ben's gaze for another long moment, then nodded and started back toward the house. He paused when he reached Jack and Amy, and pointed a finger at her. "You're a smart girl," he said firmly. "Don't you do anything stupid."

"I won't," she assured him. When the screen door slammed behind Doug, Amy turned to look at Jack. "What's he talking about?" she asked, genuinely puzzled.

Jack sighed and laughed wearily, shaking his head. "We'll discuss it later," he said. "Don't stay out here too late." He started away, then turned back and looked at Ben seriously for a moment. "You don't want to forget what he said, okay? He doesn't kid around when it comes to this girl."

"I know, sir. I don't either. Believe me."

"Good man," he said.

When he was gone, Ben and Amy looked at each other and laughed. "That wasn't pleasant," she said. "Sorry about that."

"Well, it could have been worse. I'm still alive. But my life did flash before my eyes when I saw him." The two of them moved to sit side by side on the stone steps of the back porch.

"Did you mean what you said?" she asked.

"Of course I did. You know that, Lindley."

She smiled. "I know. I just wanted to hear it again."

"I love you."

"I love you, too." Her eyes sparkled in the moonlight.

After a moment's silence, Ben took her hands in his and voiced the concern that was weighing on both of them. "What are you going to do about Andy?" he asked. "About telling him?"

She bit her lip thoughtfully. "I don't think I have to tell him anything," she said. "He's already made up his mind about what he thinks is going on with us. I guess all that remains is confirmation."

"Are you afraid?"

She hesitated, not wanting to hurt Ben's feelings by telling him that yes, she was terrified of what Andrew would say, of what he would do, of the very real possibility that she would lose his friendship forever. Her silence told him all he needed to know. He put his arm around her and drew her close to him, rubbing her shoulder comfortingly.

Suddenly a long shadow fell over them, and Amy gasped and jumped a little in Ben's embracing arm. They looked up and caught sight of Andrew standing a little ways outside the circle of light from the porch lamp. Even in the dimness, Amy could see the strain on his face, the hurt reflected in his eyes, and she fought the urge to go to him, to comfort him. That wasn't her place now. Not anymore.

No one seemed to know what to say for a few moments that stretched into an awkward eternity. Andy broke the silence first, keeping his gaze carefully away from Ben and looking directly at Amy. "You don't have to worry about how to tell me," he said in a funny, hoarse voice that didn't even sound like him. "I'm not an idiot. I might have been blind all these months, but I'm seeing things pretty clearly now."

Amy took a deep breath, her heart pounding in her chest as if she'd just run a mile. She couldn't read his tone. For maybe the first time in their lifelong friendship, she had no clue what was behind his words. "Andy..."

He held up a hand to stop her. "What sucks the most is that you didn't have the guts to tell me yourself. I mean, how long would you have strung me along? It's been a long time, Aim. And when did you realize that you had made the wrong choice, huh? Did you know that all along?" His blue eyes held hers steadily.

She was determined not to cry, even though his words stung like salt in the wounds he'd inflicted earlier this evening. "No," she said, and it was only partially a lie. "I thought I was doing the right thing."

"You were wrong."

She looked down at her hands.

Ben cleared his throat and said quietly to Andrew, "Don't do this to her right now, man. I think you've hurt her enough for one night."

Andy's blue eyes met his former friend's green ones unflinchingly. "You're right," he said. "I have. But I think after fourteen years of friendship and almost one year of more than that, we need some closure. Do you think you could leave us alone and let us have it?"

Ben and Amy glanced at each other, and she gave him the tiniest of nods. He took a deep breath and stood up. "Yeah," he said. "I can do that." He resisted the urge to look back at them as he went to his car. She noticed that, and silently thanked him for his trust.

"I'm sorry," she said to Andrew after a period of silence that seemed to go on far too long. "I didn't want things to happen this way. I told you that. I messed up, and I don't know what else to say. I guess there's nothing left to say." She had prepared herself for the pain that would come when he began flinging malicious words at her like he had done earlier, so when he said what he said, she looked up at him in genuine surprise.

"I'm the one who should be sorry," he said. "And I am. I messed up too, Aim. Way before you did. I messed up last year when you first told me how you felt about him. I just couldn't deal with that. I was too wrapped up in the way my feelings for you had changed. I couldn't stand the thought of you and him together when you didn't even realize that I was in love with you. So this is partly my fault because I pushed you to be with me when we both knew it wasn't really what you wanted."

He came over to sit on the step next to her. "It's not your fault," he said. "I'd rather you be happy with him than miserable with me."

She looked at him with tears glistening in her eyes. "Do you mean that, Andy?"

He nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I really do."

She wanted to throw her arms around him and cry from the relief of knowing that she wasn't going to lose him, and only a day ago that would have been all right, that would have been easy. Now even such a simple gesture was tangled up in a complex web of meanings and feelings and implications. So she settled for a watery smile and a whispered "thank you."

When he walked away, back into the shadows that swallowed the world that lay beyond her back porch, she thought the tears would really start to flow. Tears of relief, tears of heartache by association, tears for what might have been.

But the tears didn't come, and the night stretched out before her with the day fast on its heels, and days after that to explore the mysterious realm of love and to marvel over the immense strength of the bonds of friendship.

THE END


End file.
